Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Whizkid

A little English Humor!

8 posts in this topic

Just in case you are having a pretty good day ..............................

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cut the original to save space.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know I'm getting older and my eyes aren't quite what they were, but damn that's small print! :blink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ service van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

The wife was counting all the 1 and 2 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he finds his pick has been stolen. The bear is upset and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

Wow even Word won't work., but you can in Word.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The trick with these 'featured' sites is to paste any text you want to post into Notepad which removes all that rich text bollocks, then you can copy and paste it from there:

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ service van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

The wife was counting all the 1 and 2 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he finds his pick has been stolen. The bear is upset and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ service van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

The wife was counting all the 1 and 2 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he finds his pick has been stolen. The bear is upset and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

( Hey, it works! Thanks, Mikey! )

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Regarding the jokes:

:rofl:

..but the formatting is one of the banes of modern life. At work, we have these web based 'productivity' tools from IBM/Rational and SAP which are so unreliable that the best strategy is to type any data into Notepad as a backup before commiting it to the server.

Unfortunately, the same tactics have to be applied here at Combatsim, as occasionally things typed into the Reply box are lost when the 'Post' button is pressed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0