Edwin Rommel

Rommel is off somewhere--- the world wonders...

430 posts in this topic

“Shultzie—are you very zhure about zhiz- it lookz very flimsy to me??”

“Ach Fieldmarschall- zhe Polonezianz did it many many timez before, unt mozt- Ich think, survived zhe ordeal?--- err—trippen ich meant- survived zhe trippen”

The outrigger canoe edges away from the dock in Durban harbour- heavily laden with Rommel, Shultz, Dr. Katzenjammer, Buckmaster, Flick of zhe Gestapo and several other indistinct bodies- perched in the middle is a worn-out looking Mk IV panzer and some boxes and crates……

On top of the Panzer, in a cage marked with red stickers reading “QUARANTINE”, a camel lazily chews the cud…

Small waves lap around the gunwales, from time to time spraying little drops of water onto the monocle- causing Rommel to rub it down with his shirt from time to time- while staring at the horizon and wondering….

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A commotion on the dock draws the attention for a while. A group of very harassed IRS officials with torn and smoking suits are running and shouting along the pier. In their hands they wave official looking forms and papers- also singed on the edges—as they reach the quay side the slide to a halt- except for the huffing slightly more portly official bringing up the rear.

The bulky man is shuffling rapidly with his head down- only realizing the impending end of dry land at a very late stage- gravity and momentum does the rest- his wind milling out flung arms pull the little trio over the edge..

As the officials plunge into the water screaming obscenities at the slowly moving pontoon raft, Rommel lifts a middle finger in the age old gesture of “sorry to see you go….”

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Zhe Feld Marshall iz bak! Vith a schtory even! VUNDERBAR! :thumbsup:

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He Vhaz alvayz zee vun vith zee schtories.. Und fur zum schtrang reason zee fraulines as vell..

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"Ach- zhiz iz not goink vhell- ich kan zhee vhater poolink in zhe bottom here- und Katzenjammerz long pantz are already zoaked at zhe turnupz!"

"Iz not zho bad Herr Feldmarschall- vhe had much vhorzer vhen Patton chazed uz in Nord Afrika- zhiz time it iz only zhe IRS..."

"Ja- zhey are probably a bit upzhet about zhe little fire in zheir offize.... but Ich meant zhiz verdamtez canoo uf yourz--- zhe thing iz leaking und nearly up to zhe gunvhalez in zhe water..."

"Ja- vhell- ich read zhat Norwegian Thor Heyerdahl'z book unt zhey kovered over 4000 milez in ein kraft like zhiz..... bringing zhe Panzer might have been ein not zho guut idea.... but let uz zhee how it goez?"

"Guut- vhe are nearly out uf zhe harbour- vhere do vhe go?"

Shultz opens an Atlas and after turning the book around a couple of times points to the left...

"Zhat vhay Herr Feldmarchall-- did you bring your mobile? Vhe vhere going to uze zhe GPZ on zhat remember?"

Rommel looks puzzled... after a while he opens his knapsack and pulls out a contraption made of sticks and pieces of twine, old bottle caps and uniform buttons...

"Herr Feldmarshall----- did you bring ZHAT mobile...."

Rommel blushes...

"Zhorry-- ich mizunderschtood--- but vhe do have zhe Atlaz-- it schould not be zhat diffikult...."

Shultz leans over the side and laboriously starts carving into the wood at the back of the leaking craft...

"KONTKI TWEI- PHILIPPINEZ OR BUZT!"

The long swell starts to sway the craft sideways and gently up and down-- Buckmaster is slowly turning a whiter shade of pale...

Pulling some ropes a very patched ceremonial flag flutters free from the top of the mast...

The crafts heads East into the approaching night.

----

Some way behind them a South African Navy small attack craft finishes fishing some very wet, but at least no longer smoking IRS officials out of the sea-- after a brief discussion with much pointing, the exhausts roar with a grey blue puff of diesel and the white bow wave starts sliding backwards under the craft as it picks up speed towards the fading silhouette of a camel in a cage looking back bemused at the fading shoreline- still slowly chewing cud...

 

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Well, at least the camel is in a cage.  Let's hope it stays there.

 

OG

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Ah!  Herr Fieldmarschall, I prezume I am vone of zhe indiztinkt bodiez lokatedt on dein kanoe ja?  Perhapz you zimply forgot to mezion me by name ja?  Ah!  I unterschtandt!  I am in dizguize und vill be dein zekret ajent!  JA!  Zhat muzt be it!  Danke Herr Fieldmarschall!   I vill not fail you!

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As the light fades the rafts slowly makes it way along the Kwa-Zulu Natal coast-

Rommel, finished hanging his mobile from a spar to clink and clank merrily is the breeze turns back to look at the now slowly fading light of Durban. He is somewhat startled for a moment as a soft hairy muzzle pushes into the back of his neck, but with the soft burp that follows he realizes that Bertrude, normally outwardly very calm and contended is actually worried by this maritime excursion. He fishes some dried dates from his pocket and holds it up for her to grab from his hand.

“Ach it iz OK Liebchen- vhere vhe are goink it iz much much better”

The peace is shattered by a blinding stab of light and the blare from a megaphone-

“Dis iz da Souf Efrikan Koast Gard- Lower your sailz and kom to a schtop- ozzerways vhe will shooted at you!”

Rommel spins around-

“SHULTZ!!!- Get into zhe Panzer- Mach Schnell!!”

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Yes you are on the boat Fick. Your going to be used as trolling bait to catch some fresh fish while Rommel proceeds on his journey.

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2 hours ago, Donster said:

Yes you are on the boat Fick. Your going to be used as trolling bait to catch some fresh fish while Rommel proceeds on his journey.

I dunno.  Anything that stinks that badly might attract crabs... and not the ones that are edible.

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Wait.  What kind of PANZER?  Mk II, Mk III, ??

Inquiring minds need to know.

 

OG

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7 hours ago, Donster said:

Yes you are on the boat Fick. Your going to be used as trolling bait to catch some fresh fish while Rommel proceeds on his journey.

Zhat iz nicht ein nize zhing to zay.  Vone day you vill vregret zayink zutch zhings about me Herr Dumzter.

 

5 hours ago, Stans said:

I dunno.  Anything that stinks that badly might attract crabs... and not the ones that are edible.

ACH!  Und ein nozher dizprezektvul vremark frum zhe legume gallery.

 

15 minutes ago, Old Guy said:

Wait.  What kind of PANZER?  Mk II, Mk III, ??

Inquiring minds need to know.

 

OG

It vill nicht mazzer vhen ve schtart feuerink at you.

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32 minutes ago, Herr Soren Fick said:

It vill nicht mazzer vhen ve schtart feuerink at you.

Feuerink? Feuerink? WTF is Feuerink? "Throwing a ball like a girl" in Germlish? 

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21 minutes ago, Donster said:

Feuerink? Feuerink? WTF is Feuerink? "Throwing a ball like a girl" in Germlish? 

Ve put ein schell into zhe breech of zhe kannon und feuer it.  Vhen ve do zhis ve vill yell out "FEUER FEUER!".   Now shutten dein strudel hole und allow zhe fieldmarschall to kontinue zhe schtory.

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Oh I see. Just like you do with your "Mr. Strap-on Anal Intruder". Now the translation makes sense. Say, has your "friend" or is that "fruend" Bruce (Bwuce) ever get out of the hospital after getting his rectum sewed back up?

 

And now, hopefully, Herr Rommel will continue with his fascinating, keep you on the edge of your keyboards story!

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Yes, please pipe down and allow Rommel to continue with his story.  :popcornsmilie:

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I'm worried about Rommel and Schultzie.  Carrying a Panzer on a balsa wood craft is an exercise fraught with danger.  Even with an outrigger. 

OG

 

PS: "Fraught with danger."  I've always wanted to say that.  :)

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Two days without another installment.  Perhaps that idiot Fick was on the raft and actually fired the cannon as he was shouting "feuer". :unsure:

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"Shultz!!! Vhot does it zhay on zhe manufakturerz plate on zhe inzhide uf zhe turret zhere?"

"Errrr- vhy Herr Feldmarschall?"

"Ach let uz zhay enkweierink mindz vhontz to know..."

"It readz" Panzer IV Mod G Whermachtheer #155674 -Made in ein hell uf a hurry - keep in ein cool plaze- 1944-"

"Danke Shultz!- laden schreng grenaten!"

After some clanking as swearing as arthritic fingers grapples around in the gloomy interior of the turret to find an HE shell, Shultz pipes up- "Spreng Grenaden geladen!"

"Zhiel! Gefundet- am 130 graden- schnellboot!"

"Zhiel erkant!"

"Sheisse- vhot vhoz zhat vhort again????"

 

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FEUER!  FEUER!  FEUER Herr Fieldmarschall!  FEUER!

 

ACH!  Nein!  Vait!

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Rommel's Germlish is slipping more and more into German  -- or something.  Must be a sign of mental deterioration.  Or something.

If I understand the situation, he's about to fire a 75mm cannon mounted on a Mk IV Panzer.  A bracing idea, I'm sure, if the tank were sitting on the desert terrain of Libya or the steppes of Russia.  Firing from atop a balsa raft seems somewhat ---- risky?

Now, far be it from me to counsel caution when a good, solid cannon blast is called for.  However . . . .

OG 

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Too much acorn brandy, I suspect.  And yep, I'm thinking about the physics of firing a tank mounted cannon while floating it on a glorified canoe.

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While all this was going on, Bertrude , doing what camels do best to keep themselves occupied while trekking over vast empty spaces, did the mathematical and physical calculations of what a possible 75 mm canon shot fired from a heavily laden outrigger canoe would do to the balance and buoyancy of the same---

If x = (?+?)?=Σ(??)????−???=0 and ?(?)=?0+Σ(??cos????+??sin????)∞?=1 then cos?+cos?=2cos12(?+?)cos12(?−?)…..
X = -32 456 822 123….

She farts loudly in alarm and then pushes her neck through the bars and bites deeply into Rommels arm just swinging down with a finger pointing at the approaching craft – about to shout the just now remembered “ FEUER!!!”---

Instead it comes out as “AIEIAEWI AAAARGGHHH—YOU VERDAMTES FLEABITTEN BAG UF SCHEISSE!!””

 

 

 

 

 

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