Jump to content
COMBATSIM Forum
Sign in to follow this  
Old Guy

Fick the Assassin

Recommended Posts

Taken from documents released after the fall of the Soviet Union and only recently translated.  OG

 

Fick the Assassin

 

It wasn't a cell, exactly. More like a small store room or large closet. Faint light shone under the closed door. At least it was warm. Fick remembered being cold, very cold. And wet. Nothing very helpful emerged from the dingy corridors of his memory. He was lying on his side, thirsty, hungry and sore from what felt like a professional beating. He'd been through a couple of those before. First on the agenda, though, was to find whatever the cell offered in the way of a toilet. His bladder demanded release.

 

Slowly, he dragged himself into a sitting position. The cot was equipped with a single blanket and a thin pad that passed for a mattress. Both stank. Tiny gasps accompanied his struggle.

 

A match flared. Fick froze. Yellow flame illuminated a harsh face. The man lit a cigarette and doused the match. “Good morning.”

 

Fick opened his mouth, but no sound emerged. After swallowing painfully a couple times he managed to croak, “Vater, pleaze. Unt, ich muzt . . . ich bladder.”

 

“I will turn on the light.” A ceiling fixture containing one bulb lit up. Fick blinked and turned away, shading his eyes. Fortunately, the bulb was of low wattage or nearly burned out.

 

The man pointed to a door leading to small room. Fick could see a sink and white tile. “Your toilet. There is no door.”

 

Grunting with pain, Fick got to his feet and staggered forward, fetching up against the rust stained sink. The toilet, fortunately, was only a step away. Two minutes later, feeling much better, he walked back to the cot and settled down with a groan.

 

“The border police were somewhat over zealous,” said the man. “Still, they believed you to be a capitalist spy. Their goal in life is to prevent an influx of Western culture.”

 

“Ja, but zurely du know I am no schpy.”

 

The man stood suddenly and leaned over Fick. “Stop with the Germlish! We know you spent a year in an American POW camp, Colonel Fick! You speak fluent English. As do I.” He straightened up and offered a smile. “Many former Nazi intelligence officers now work for similar agencies all over the world. You can do the same.”

 

For a long moment Fick could think of nothing to say. And when he did finally speak, he was careful to avoid Germlish. “Pardon my confusion. But, where am I? Who are you?”

 

“Ah, what do you remember of the last few days, Colonel?”

 

“Nozzing . . . er . . . nothing much. I was at a friend's apartment in . . . ah . . . outside Paris. We had a few drinks. Then I . . . I don't know. It was raining. And cold.” Fick shook his head. “There might have been a train. Somewhere . . . snow! I remember snow.”

 

“You were with one Fifi, former member of the French Resistance. You were trying to get laid. Since the woman had the good sense to avoid your advances, you proceeded to get drunk. A friend of hers named Remi took you to the station and put you on a train for Vienna. We wondered about that. I think he bought a ticket for as far away as he could afford.”

 

“Ja. Remi. We never got along.” Fick tried to think, to remember. Anything.

 

“You evidently continued drinking on the train. At Vienna you got off. Either that or they tossed you off the train before it got into the station. Somehow you ended up on a freight train headed into Hungary. How you got from there to our the border crossing point is unknown.”

 

“I'll take your word for it. But, who are you?”

 

“Ah, yes. My name you don't need. Call me Spectre. I am an officer in the 3rd Directorate, Bulgarian State Security. You are in Sofia. This is a warehouse we use for . . . ah . . . for welcoming new arrivals to our country.”

 

Fick swallowed convulsively. His voice went up several octaves. “State Security? The DS?”

 

Spectre bowed. “The same. The 3rd Directorate deals with military intelligence. That is how I happened to have your file – the one prepared by American intelligence officers during the last months of the war. It came into our hands by way of a low-level records analyst with heavy gambling debts. Or that's what I was given to understand.”

 

“But . . .” Fick spluttered helplessly. “But zat . . . that report is a fiction. I made it all up.”

 

“Of course. Of course.” Spectre laughed. “You Germans are all alike. 'I was only following orders' or 'I made up those stories to impress the frauleins'. As the Americans say: give me a break.”

 

Fick slumped back against the wall. “What . . . what happens now?”

 

“Ha!” Spectre rubbed his hands together. “Now you and I sit down with that file and figure out how we can co-opt those Germans you named as fellow intelligence operatives. Especially those who were to infiltrate Soviet security agencies. Oh, we will have fun! I, of course, will get promoted. And you, Colonel, will have a flat of your own and a small allowance. No car, of course. The budget won't stretch that far.”

 

“A flat? You mean one of those concrete monstrosities you people are building?”

 

“Yes, exactly. Nice places. Comfy, if a bit small. Damp. Much better than a prison cell, though.”

 

“Of course. Ha, ha. Much better.” Fick wondered how long it would be before the truth would emerge. Spectre or some other DS officer would work it all out eventually. Then what? A firing squad or just a quick bullet in the back of the head?

 

The door swung open and a broad shouldered man stepped in. Spectre swung around in surprise. “You!” he screeched. “This is not your affair! This is DS business.”

 

“The KGB can put its nose in wherever it wants, Spectre. You know that.” The speaker grinned at Fick. “Colonel Old Guy, KGB. I've come to take you away from all this.” His gesture included the cell and the silently steaming DS officer.

 

Fick hesitated. The DS was bad, but the KGB? If they took him to Russia he'd never be seen again. Yet, there was something familiar about the Russian. He'd seen him somewhere before. Old Guy took him by the arm and steered him out of the little room.

 

Moments later, Fick was seated beside the Russian Colonel in a Zil limousine. “What now? Won't Spectre be after us?”

 

“No. For one thing a KGB officer, especially a colonel, can do pretty much whatever he wants. Besides, Spectre is even now hearing the truth about your so-called intelligence activities. A lower ranking officer discovered the followup report Army intelligence prepared after the war – when your real service records were found.”

 

“The truth? You mean . . .”

 

“Annette – or Ophelia as she is now known. The traveling circus. All that.”

 

Fick felt a measure of relief mixed with disappointment. Sometimes when he told those stories about being a German intelligence officer, he half-believed them himself. “Now what?”

 

“An airplane is standing by at a little airfield south of here. We'll be out of the country within a couple hours. Then you can go back to being whatever you wish. Just like the rest of us.”

 

“Ja. Vell, at least I have been in an adventure.”

 

“True. Too bad you slept through most of it. Especially that night with Marie.”

 

“Marie? The woman mit ein enormouz boobz? I schpent das night mit her?”

 

Old Guy shrugged. “Could be. I can't always tell fact from fiction you know.”

 

“Du vas kiddingk, right?”

 

“Hey! Your Germlish is back! Damn. I'd hoped that wouldn't happen.”

 

Fick wasn't paying attention. He punched Old Guy lightly. “Arschlock! Marie? Really?”

 

 

End

 

** For Fick's real WW2 exploits and subsequent debrief by American intelligence, see “Scouts in the French Resistance”.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, this is certainly interesting.  I suspect Fink's penchant for attempting to pass his perverted fiction for reality will soon bite him whilst in the clutches of the KGB.  Such a thing couldn't happen to a more deserving human thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's nice to see that Old Guy has brought out and dusted off his old Royal Typewriter. :thumbsup:

And I don't believe Flick with a woman. A "Sargent Shultz" blow up doll is more probable. He especially likes the "I know Nothink" pull string speaking feature.*

*This information was obtained through WikiLeaks from secret files of the Department of Homeland Security.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Liez und halv-truzhs!  Zhe part about spending ein nacht mit Marie zhat vas tvrue.  Being kaptchuredt by zhe Bulgarianz und zhen freed by ein KGB ofvizer ist ein half-truzh.  Ich vas kaptchuredt but zhen ezkapedt mitout einy help fvrom zhe KGB.  Nicht beink ein part of zhe intellidjenze difvizions of zhe vehrmacht vas ien kover schtory to protekt me.

Az fvor zhe schtory put forzh by Herr Dumzter zhat ist ein nozher lie!  He knowz zhe truzh az do Ich.  Herr Dumzter ist zhe vone vho prefverz zutch perverzions.  In fakt he advertizes hiz zervices und mezhods by vhitch he may be kontaktedt.*

*Zhis invormazion vas obtainedt fvrom zhe vall in zhe men'z lavfatory of zhe McDonald'z lokated at 5200 Edjevood Vroad NE, Zedar Vrapids, Iova.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There's a Laugh Factory in the McDonald's in Iowa? :blink:

Oh, Lavatory, took me a while to translate your poor Germlish, Hair Lick.

Donnie's information on the wall at the McDonalds:  Likely scratched into the ceramic tile by Hair Pick as a diversion from his own predilections.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, Stans said:

There's a Laugh Factory in the McDonald's in Iowa? :blink:

Oh, Lavatory, took me a while to translate your poor Germlish, Hair Lick.

Donnie's information on the wall at the McDonalds:  Likely scratched into the ceramic tile by Hair Pick as a diversion from his own predilections.

 

Yep, what Stans said. Oh and the Marie that Herr Drip spent the night with was really a guy named Mark. The FBI has a file on him that states Mark is a transvestite who wants to become a woman, but can't afford the surgeries, only the medications that shrink his testicles and grows his breasts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Donster said:

Yep, what Stans said. Oh and the Marie that Herr Drip spent the night with was really a guy named Mark. The FBI has a file on him that states Mark is a transvestite who wants to become a woman, but can't afford the surgeries, only the medications that shrink his testicles and grows his breasts.

More liez!  Ich hav zpent many nachts vizh frauleins, nicht men or men tvryink to be frauleins.  Ich hav been vizh more frauleins zhan vou hav eber dreamedt of.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
47 minutes ago, Herr Soren Fick said:

More liez!  Ich hav zpent many nachts vizh frauleins, nicht men or men tvryink to be frauleins.  Ich hav been vizh more frauleins zhan vou hav eber dreamedt of.

Fickie Ficke Fickie. Quit your lies and just come out of the closet. We are all sure that you have never seen a woman naked, much less been with one.

But I bet you have been asked these question many, many times...

And I'm sure you answered yes to each question now didn't you Herr Flick of the Wrist!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Herr Dumzter kontinuez veave ein veb of liez.  Poor Dumzter.  Ich am feelink zorry fvor vou.  Ich am zkaredt zhat vou may be fvallink into ein fvantazy vorld.  Ich did nicht vant to pozt zhis video but vou leave me vizhout ein tchoize.  Zhis ist me lazt year vhile vorking fvor Donaldt Tvrump befvore he vas made Amerikafuhrer.  Zhis ist me vizh ein fraulein teztink mein new vfideo kamera.

Now all of vou know vitch vay Ich go ja?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's certainly some interesting video, Herr Fick.  So, was this someone you know and she allowed you to do this or was this some hapless stranger who just happened to be in the pool in which you were slithering?  I'm guess by what looks like an attempt at a swift kick in your Wolffia seed* sack that she did not actually know you.  Is this a common practice for you?  How many women have you attempted to grope or otherwise molest?  Inquiring minds want to know.

*Wolffia seed is the smallest plant seed known to exist.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fick isn't a real person.  I just figured that out.  No real person would have hung around all these years in the face of repeated verbal assaults by Stans and Donnie (among others).

Why am I always the last to know?

I know Donnie is real.  I met him . . . or someone claiming to be Donnie.  And who would masquerade as Donnie . . . unless there was money in it.  I've met Quiet Man and corresponded via email and phone with Joker, Rommel, Gunny, and a few others.  Stans I'm fairly sure is a real person.  He claims to be a dentist.  That's not a career field someone creating a fake persona would normally choose.

So who is behind Fick?  I assume the same person did Dark Helmet and Itchie, among others. 

Fess up. 

OG  :(

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm real.

Or am I?

Are you real?

This might all be some alien creature's drug fueled dream.

By the way, I am a dentist, no one would make up that sort of thing.

Unless, perhaps, it was a cover to protect his or her identity.  The identity of someone working for some clandestine government agency.

So, in summation, all of you may or may not be real and if I am real I may be a dentist or I may be an agent of the government.  And which government might that be?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So Snick, you paid some hormone raged 13 year old boy to film that video eh? You know you are going to prison for that, after we turn you into the authorities.

I'm not Fick. I would make him out to be a womanizer whom loves boobies and doesn't pass out by looking at them. Obviously that hasn't happened in any of the writings about Fick. Plus my Germlish isn't that good. The world wonders.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Stans said:

I'm still waiting to see if anyone can determine whether I really exist or not. :blink:

Stans who?

OG

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Stans said:

That's certainly some interesting video, Herr Fick.  So, was this someone you know and she allowed you to do this or was this some hapless stranger who just happened to be in the pool in which you were slithering?  I'm guess by what looks like an attempt at a swift kick in your Wolffia seed* sack that she did not actually know you.  Is this a common practice for you?  How many women have you attempted to grope or otherwise molest?  Inquiring minds want to know.

*Wolffia seed is the smallest plant seed known to exist.

Ich lookedt uppen zhe devinizion of Volffia zeed und Ich kan azure voy zhat mein gonadz are kvuite lardje.  Und Ich vill konfvezz zhat Ich hav don many zhings to frauleins.  It vorks ofvten und ist vorzh zhe efvort und okazional pain.

 

16 hours ago, Old Guy said:

Fick isn't a real person.  I just figured that out.  No real person would have hung around all these years in the face of repeated verbal assaults by Stans and Donnie (among others).

Why am I always the last to know?

I know Donnie is real.  I met him . . . or someone claiming to be Donnie.  And who would masquerade as Donnie . . . unless there was money in it.  I've met Quiet Man and corresponded via email and phone with Joker, Rommel, Gunny, and a few others.  Stans I'm fairly sure is a real person.  He claims to be a dentist.  That's not a career field someone creating a fake persona would normally choose.

So who is behind Fick?  I assume the same person did Dark Helmet and Itchie, among others. 

Fess up. 

OG  :(

 

Are vou vreal?  Ich hav nimmer zeen einy of vou.

 

15 hours ago, Stans said:

I'm real.

Or am I?

Are you real?

This might all be some alien creature's drug fueled dream.

By the way, I am a dentist, no one would make up that sort of thing.

Unless, perhaps, it was a cover to protect his or her identity.  The identity of someone working for some clandestine government agency.

So, in summation, all of you may or may not be real and if I am real I may be a dentist or I may be an agent of the government.  And which government might that be?

Vou are nicht vreal!  Kaze klosedt.

 

7 hours ago, Donster said:

So Snick, you paid some hormone raged 13 year old boy to film that video eh? You know you are going to prison for that, after we turn you into the authorities.

I'm not Fick. I would make him out to be a womanizer whom loves boobies and doesn't pass out by looking at them. Obviously that hasn't happened in any of the writings about Fick. Plus my Germlish isn't that good. The world wonders.

Nein!  Zhat vas me in zhe pool vizh zhe fraulein.  Und Ich hav konfvezedt zhat Ich am ein vomanizer vho lovez zhe boobzies but Ich do nicht pazz outten juzt lookink at zhem.  It ist vou vho inzizt zhat Ich am ein fvaigala.  Ich zhink zhat vou are aktchually projektink dein own preverenzes onto me in order to konzeal zhe vreal vou.  Herr Dumzter it ist akzeptable fvor vou to kome outten und admit vhat vou are.  It ist ok zhe Amerikafuhrer unterschtands und vou vill nicht be perzekutedt.  Zhis ist zhe tvo zhouzands nicht zhe nineteen hundvreds.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fick, Fick, Fick.

Donnie isn't in the closet to hide his sexual preferences.

His long-suffering wife (that would be Lottie) keeps him in the closet because if he wanders the house, passing gas (and he's always gaseous), the drapes turn green, paint peels off the walls, and the cats won't come out of the crawlspace.  Not to mention the occasional small explosion.  Several cigarette smokers have been blown clean across the street after lighting up as they pass Donnie's place.

As for reality, I'm not sure about me.  When I look in the mirror there's an old gray-haired fart looking back. 

OG

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Old Guy said:

Fick, Fick, Fick.

Donnie isn't in the closet to hide his sexual preferences.

His long-suffering wife (that would be Lottie) keeps him in the closet because if he wanders the house, passing gas (and he's always gaseous), the drapes turn green, paint peels off the walls, and the cats won't come out of the crawlspace.  Not to mention the occasional small explosion.  Several cigarette smokers have been blown clean across the street after lighting up as they pass Donnie's place.

As for reality, I'm not sure about me.  When I look in the mirror there's an old gray-haired fart looking back. 

OG

Hey! I resemble those remarks! Except that I am an All-American man. Women only. About the closet. Yes I get banished to the closet. But I make it happen. There I have made a hidden wall that when opened exposes a tunnel that leads to the secret opening of the Babe Bunker™! Lottie thinks she is in complete control but the jokes on her!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Old Guy said:

Fick, Fick, Fick.

Donnie isn't in the closet to hide his sexual preferences.

His long-suffering wife (that would be Lottie) keeps him in the closet because if he wanders the house, passing gas (and he's always gaseous), the drapes turn green, paint peels off the walls, and the cats won't come out of the crawlspace.  Not to mention the occasional small explosion.  Several cigarette smokers have been blown clean across the street after lighting up as they pass Donnie's place.

As for reality, I'm not sure about me.  When I look in the mirror there's an old gray-haired fart looking back. 

OG

Zhat vould ekzplain mutch ja?

 

4 hours ago, Donster said:

Hey! I resemble those remarks! Except that I am an All-American man. Women only. About the closet. Yes I get banished to the closet. But I make it happen. There I have made a hidden wall that when opened exposes a tunnel that leads to the secret opening of the Babe Bunker™! Lottie thinks she is in complete control but the jokes on her!

Ich zhink zhat vou are deluzional.  Dein vife ist in komplete kontrol of vou und zhe tjoke ist upon vou!

 

Zo mutch fvor zhat schtuff!  It ist Frietag!  It ist zhe firzt day of zhe monzh und zhat meanz it ist zhe pay day!  Life here in Vashington Dee Zee ist gut und zhe Amerikafuhrer payz vell.  Nozhink in Vashington getz done on Frietag zo Ich am goink to leave vork early und take zome money und hav ein gut time vizh zhe frauleins!  Hav gut veekende!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Herr Soren Fick said:

Zo mutch fvor zhat schtuff!  It ist Frietag!  It ist zhe firzt day of zhe monzh und zhat meanz it ist zhe pay day!  Life here in Vashington Dee Zee ist gut und zhe Amerikafuhrer payz vell.  Nozhink in Vashington getz done on Frietag zo Ich am goink to leave vork early und take zome money und hav ein gut time vizh zhe frauleins!  Hav gut veekende!

Remarkably upbeat for a guy sharing a dumpster with a couple stray cats, eh?

Payday on the first day of the month?  Not even welfare recipients get paid that way any more.  Sounds like Fick hasn't actually drawn a paycheck since about 1965.

:)  OG

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fink got a paycheck?  I guess one of his tricks finally paid him for his "services" :rofl:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Stans said:

Fink got a paycheck?  I guess one of his tricks finally paid him for his "services" :rofl:

And he was even dumb enough to accept a check!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×