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6 hours ago, Whizkid said:

Oy! I don't see any mention of Whizkidius in this fascinating piece of literature!

My Lawyer will be contacting you shortly, OG!


Actually, you were about to appear, Cassius Whizus

Honest.  I'm not intimidated by lawyers.  Yeah, that's the ticket.  Not intimidated.

Heh.  As if.


Oops.  That name would be Latin in origin, Whiz.  Since this tale is set in Greece when Rome is nothing more than a dog kennel, that will never do.  You know I'm a stickler for historical accuracy.  ;)  So, Cetus Whizikos, prepare for your role.  FYI, the name means something like "fast fish" or "stinking fish" or possibly even "pissing whale".  My reference scrolls are a bit shy on name meanings.


Edited by Old Guy

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15 hours ago, Whizkid said:

Oy! I don't see any mention of Whizkidius in this fascinating piece of literature!

My Lawyer will be contacting you shortly, OG!


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On 12/18/2017 at 2:50 PM, Herr Soren Fick said:

ACH!  Evfen mein olde fruend und komrad Itchiezan now inzults me?  Perhapz vou devfend deinselbst fvrom zhe Norde Korveanz ja?  Ich may evfen giv zhem zhe koordinatez fvor dein Gvreen Vinyl Zeatink Loundje ja?

Itchie nevel crouse fliend of Helr Solen Dickress! As fol Nolth Koleans, noie wolry! Itchie and supeliol ailfolce of Impelial Nippon destloy them noie plobrem! Kimchi Kim-san arl mouthie, rike Mussorini!



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1 hour ago, Itchie Crotchie said:

Itchie nevel crouse fliend of Helr Solen Dickress! As fol Nolth Koleans, noie wolry! Itchie and supeliol ailfolce of Impelial Nippon destloy them noie plobrem! Kimchi Kim-san arl mouthie, rike Mussorini!



So sayeth the man(?) who volunteered for kamikaze duty, but was rejected out of fear that he would destroy his own people.

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On ‎12‎/‎21‎/‎2017 at 4:19 PM, Old Guy said:


Actually, you were about to appear, Cassius Whizus

Honest.  I'm not intimidated by lawyers.  Yeah, that's the ticket.  Not intimidated.

Heh.  As if.


Oops.  That name would be Latin in origin, Whiz.  Since this tale is set in Greece when Rome is nothing more than a dog kennel, that will never do.  You know I'm a stickler for historical accuracy.  ;)  So, Cetus Whizikos, prepare for your role.  FYI, the name means something like "fast fish" or "stinking fish" or possibly even "pissing whale".  My reference scrolls are a bit shy on name meanings.



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On the Road

The following morning OldGuytukus had his conversation with the golem and came away shaking his head at the stupidity of wizards. As for what Diana intended, none of Fick's spirits had any idea what she planned.

“We listen. We watch,” said the golem. “She leave. Wolf watch. Wolf say nothing.”

“Crafty bitch,” observed Gunnyduce. “She must have known or suspected Fick was more than a dumb block of clay.”

“That he is,” agreed OldGuytukus. He studied the golem. “You ever have to rest, Fick?”

“Philosopher, warrior, dancer go way some time. They rest. Leave Fick alone. Voices come. I stomp hill. Make noise. Quiet voices.”

“Yeah.” OldGuytukus glanced at Gunnyduce. The old Spartan nodded. He'd caught the singular 'I' in Fick's speech. Was the creature developing a spirit of its own? And, if so, what the hell did that mean?

“I have to head back.” OldGuytukus climbed into his cart. “See you in about ten days.”

“We'll be there. Unless one of these clowns sticks a sword in my guts.”

“If that happens, you're fired.” OldGuytukus slapped the reins and his mule lurched into motion. “Good luck.”


For the Simians one day of rest was followed by six of hard training. Their new boots corrected their lurching gait to a near normal rolling motion. They ran, marched with full packs, ran some more, sparred with wooden swords, practiced with blunt spears, ran again, and fell into their sleeping pads completely exhausted at the end of each day.

Morning of the seventh day, Gunnyduce assembled the lads in front of the barrack building.

“Today we start for Gythium. Archeron is acting squad leader.” This announcement brought a loud 'No!' from Archeron and grumblings of ass-kissing and brown-nosing from his brothers. “Quiet!” roared Gunnyduce. “You'll all get your chance to show off your squad leader skills. Now fall out and gather your gear. Donius will read off a list of items to take. If you forget anything you'll be out of luck. We're not likely to come back here.”

“What about weapons?” cried Stanitos. “We can't march into Gythium with wooden swords. It just ain't right.”

Gunnyduce actually cracked a smile. “I'll issue weapons later. Now get moving!”

Such fervor had never been seen among the Simians. Each imagined himself taking a sword from the old Spartan and cutting the bastard into little pieces. They assembled their gear in quick time and fell out as before.

Gunnyduce paced back and forth in front of a low table laden with swords. A rack of spears stood close by. The Simians gazed at the sharp metal with murder in their hearts.

“So,” said Gunnyduce. “Who will take the first shot at me? Step forward, brave soul.”

The Simians shuffled back a step. Now that their tormentor stood before them, clad in heavy armor, complete with greaves, and a plumed helmet, they began to have second thoughts, followed closely by hastily conjured reasons not to attack the old fart.

“Well. Showing some intelligence are you?” No one dared reply.

Gunnyduce favored them with mild approval. “Tactically, it's always good to consider your options before plunging into battle. As it happens, I can now tell you what we're going to do with all this bronze weaponry.” He then outlined the plan to free a beautiful, well endowed female held captive by vile pirates. The gold reward was mentioned, but these were Simians, not normal human beings. Each and every one replaced late visions of brutal killing with equally vivid dreams of how a newly freed woman might reward her savior.

In their individual imaginings all the other Simians died horrible deaths, leaving only the dreamer to savor the rewards. The milk of human kindness did not flow in their veins.

“Get your weapons,” said Gunnyduce. “We leave within the hour.”

For the first couple hours on the road the Simians slashed and stabbed at unoffending branches and innocent logs. Gunnyduce elected to bring up the rear, walking with the golem, who was again pushing the cart.

“Fools,” said Fick suddenly. He hadn't spoken since they set out. “Fools blunt weapons. Warrior speaks.”

“Warrior is right. Spearheads bent, swords nicked. Tree sap on everything.” Gunnyduce laughed quietly. “None of them will sleep tonight until their gear is clean, blades straightened, and sword filed sharp.”

“Good. Warrior speaks.”

Without thinking, Gunnyduce asked, “This warrior, does he have a name?” Realizing how foolish that sounded, he went on quickly, “I mean, I know he had a name when he was alive. But what about . . . now?”

The golem evidently thought the question reasonable. “Warrior name Lyco.” He tapped his head with one massive hand. “Inside. No need name. I – I am warrior.”

There was the singular again. And Gunnyduce had never heard the golem hesitate when speaking before. “Of course. You are all three of your – ah – spirits.”

“We are many. Many. Some speak. We not hear. Some listen. Some go away. Die.”

“Gods.” Gunnyduce tried to imagine how it must be inside Fick's head. Hearing weak voices and not able to understand them. Listening to them fade slowly. And vanish. “What was done to you – and the others – that was cruel, Fick. I'm sorry.”

“We listen. We watch. We live. I live.”

“You heard the Huntress. We are to deliver you to Sardis. To your makers. Then you and all within you will die.”

The golem moved one massive arm is a dismissive gesture. “Maybe we die. Maybe not.”

What do I make of that, wondered Gunnyduce. He and the golem marched on through the morning just watching and listening.

The Simians eventually tired of bashing trees and settled into a steady march. Jokertayus had point. The others tramped in silence until Stanitos suddenly sang out the first line of the girl in red. Even Donius joined in, though since his bout with certain types of lesions he'd had little commerce with women. When he got the chance he started them on the Jody song. They all hated Jody.

Midday break was quiet. Gunnyduce was still mulling over his conversation with Fick. The golem drizzled water over his body then just stood quiet until it was time to move on. The lads sprawled out on their backs as men will after marching a long way. Being Simians they farted a lot and told lies about women. But some also started working on their weapons. Archeron found a tree with close spaced trunks, perfect for straightening spearheads. The rasp of files went on until Gunnyduce ordered them to move out.

“These clowns are turning back into soldiers,” he murmured to Fick.

The golem lifted the cart handles and started forward. “They watch. Little. They listen. Little.”

“Hah! A joke. Yes, they learn little. But it may be enough.”



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There are voices inside my head too.  But, since the doctors changed my medications, they no longer argue with each other. :D



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Late in the afternoon the road curved to the east and began descending. The terrain on either side was steep and covered with second-growth timber. Overhanging branches made the road ahead into dim tunnel. Scattered bushes bore white and yellow flowers. The road was little more than twin dirt tracks. Gunnyduce walked with one hand on the cart, though Fick seemed to have no trouble controlling it. The stillness of warm afternoon air and buzzing of honey bees provided a comfortable counterpoint to the steady tramp of Simian boots, the rumble of wooden wheels on dirt. Only an occasional axle squeal marred the tranquility.

Jokertayus appeared suddenly, running hard. He reached the foremost Simians and spun around, shield up, spear at the ready. For a moment, even Gunnyduce hesitated. Jokertayus hadn't shouted a warning. He did not speak at all. Then everyone moved at once. The other Simians jumped into line with Jokertayus. Gunnyduce drew his sword. He vaguely noted a thump as the golem turned the cart sideways and moved forward on the left side of the road. Donius stumbled to a halt behind the Simian formation and began fumbling with his bow.

A gaggle of armed men appeared as if springing from the ground. They spotted the waiting spearmen and stumbled to a halt. A horseman loomed up behind the disorganized mob. He shouted something and whacked at a couple foot soldiers with the flat of his sword.

Gunnyduce grabbed Donius' arm. “Shoot that bastard on the horse!” Then he stepped up behind the Simian line and halted. “Good work, lads. Steady now.”

The mob dissolved into groups. Some men started forward, falling into a semblance of a formation. A few moved at random, buckling armor, pulling shields into position. Gunnyduce saw at least two run back down the road, dodging past the enraged horseman.

“We'll move forward, slow,” ordered Gunnyduce. “Before they can get organized. Go.”

The Simians stepped off at a slow pace. The golem moved into position on the left of the line. The attackers halted suddenly. Men cried out in alarm. The horseman cursed and shouted them down. He kneed his horse forward, sword held high.

Whatever the horseman intended was not to be. He opened his mouth to order a charge, or call a halt so his men could get their shit together. An arrow smashed through his upper front teeth. The point hit the back of his helmet with an audible clank. The corpse did a slow roll off the back of the horse and hit the ground.

“Halt,” ordered Gunnyduce. “Good shooting, Donius. All those years spent poaching weren't wasted after all.”

The attacking force thinned further as more men dropped spear and shield and took off. Three men kept their shields up as they backed away. One shouted curses and threats at the others. His tirade only seemed to speed them on their way. Finally, seeing that the Simians weren't pursuing, the three turned and trotted back the way they'd come. All kept their weapons.

“We'll have to watch out for those last three,” said Gunnyduce, sheathing his sword.

“Gods above, boss,” said Jokertayus. “I thought I was a deader.”

“You did good,” said Gunnyduce. “It would have helped to maybe tell us that bunch was on your heels.”

“I tried, boss. My jaw wouldn't move.”

Gunnyduce shrugged. “The others figured it out. And quickly.”

The Simians responded with high fives and back-slapping all around. The celebration lasted all of five seconds.

“What the hell is this!” snarled the ex-hoplite. “You clowns got in formation fairly well, but that bunch ran from our golem. If it had come to a real fight, without Fick, the three who kept their weapons would have carved you lot into fish bait.”

Heads hanging, feet shuffling, the Simians retreated from the tirade. Dudeius grounded his shield and cleared his throat. “Um . . .”

“You got something to say? Spit it out!”

“Well – uh – your honor, we did get info proper formation and Donius took out the guy on horseback. And we had you backing us up. I think – we think it woulda been a hard fight, but we coulda taken them bastards.”

Gunnyduce glanced at the golem. In this situation the Warrior was almost certainly the dominant personality. “What do you think, Fick?”

The golem lifted one shoulder. “We listen. We watch. I think. I say – I say Simians did some okay, some not okay. Battle go way it went. Donius miss rider. Fick stumble and fall. Who knows what happen?”

Gunnyduce nodded. “The golem makes sense. Don't let it go to your heads. You ain't veterans yet, but you did all right. All of you.” He smiled. “Let's go see what they left behind.”

“Gods,” muttered Stanitos, as the ex-hoplite and the golem walked down the road. “He actually smiled at us. I thought for sure his face would fall off.”

“Come on,” urged Donius. “Those guys dropped some packs.”

Dudeius watched the ex-priest trot forward. “Leave it to Donius to think of plunder.”

“That's okay with me,” said Archeron. “He made one hell of a shot, taking down that bastard on the horse.”

Gunnyduce stopped beside the dead horseman. He reached down and plucked out the death arrow. “Donius. You can use this one again. The point's a little bent and it's kind of bloody.”

Donius trotted over. “Thanks, boss. That's my lucky arrow.”

“I didn't know you had a lucky arrow.”

“I do now.” Donius took the arrow and headed back to the pack he'd been examining.

“Hard to argue with that,” mused Gunnyduce. He kicked the corpse. “This one is no outlaw. See the matching armor?”

“Renegade,” said Fick. “Warrior speaks.”

“Maybe.” The other Simians joined them. “Look at their weapons and shields,” ordered Gunnyduce. “It's in even worse shape than that stuff I had you wearing early on.”

“What do we have?” asked Dudeius. “Outlaws?”

“Probably.” Gunnyduce knelt down and lifted the dead man's arm. He removed a brass bracelet and examined it, then tucked it in his pouch. “This guy and the three who didn't leave their weapons behind aren't outlaws. The others were gutter trash.”

“What do we do with this junk?” asked Jokertayus, lifting a rough wooden shield.

“Toss anything usable into the cart. Break off the spearheads and keep those. We can trade them to any blacksmith. Make a pile of anything that will burn. A couple of you dig a hole for the dead guy.” Gunnyduce dusted his hands and picked up the dead man's helmet. “Donius. You can have this. When we get to a town, trade it for whatever.”

“We gonna camp here tonight?” asked Stanitos.

“No. There's a small village at the bottom of this ridge. We'll put in there for the night.”


Gunnyduce stopped the squad when Stanitos, who was now on point, reported that the village was a short distance ahead.

“Dudeius, take over the cart. Don't complain, dammit! Any more comments and you'll push it all the way to the sea.”

Fick stood aside as Dudeius tossed his weapons on the cart and took over the push poles.

“Fick. I want you to skirt around the village,” said Gunnyduce. “Don't enter it unless you have to. I don't want to frighten the villagers and I'd like to keep your presence a secret – as much as we can.”

“Fick scout. Keep watch.” The golem saluted and headed into the forest.

“There,” snarled Gunnyduce. “That's how you respond to orders.” He thumped Dudeius a good one. “Listen and learn.”

“Gods, your honor. The golem never gets tired. I doubt if his arms are sore, even after pushing this thing all day.”

“What? Ary you sore, Dudeius? Tired?”

“I ache all over, sir.”

“Good. Pain, you know, is just weakness leaving the body.”

The Simian eyed Gunnyduce suspiciously. “Is that in some kind of drill master scroll?”

“No. But it ought to be. Move out you lot! The village ain't three or four stadia. Can you ladies make it that far?”

No one said anything.


The settlement could barely be called a village. Five simple huts were scattered among a conglomeration of lean-to shelters for livestock and a couple fairly substantial barns. A few chickens wandered along the road. One elderly goat was shut up in a pen. Two partial goat carcasses hung nearby. Otherwise the place was devoid of both people and animals.

Gunnyduce halted his squad in front of the largest of the huts. The Simians looked around in obvious confusion. “The people have taken to the hills. I can't blame them. The outlaws would have done the gods know what to them if they'd stayed.” He indicated the goats, living and dead. Those animals were left for the bastards.”

“It's a common practice in small settlements,” agreed Donius. “Families send young kids out for sentinels. The outlaws probably intended to return after they dealt with us.” The former priest frowned. “Or have I got it wrong? Were we just in the way?”

Gunnyduce dug in his pouch and brought out a copper wrist guard. He tossed it to Donius. “Check out the design cut into that. Pass it along to the others.”

“A crescent moon,” mused Donius. “A common symbol for Diana.”

Archeron examined the item. “Lots of folks wear some kind of charm related to a god.”

Jokertayus agreed. “Don't mean nothin' – by itself. But them sons of dogs were packin' light. Not much food. No animals carryin' tents and whatnot.”

“They intended to come back here,” said Archeron. “After turning us into fish bait.”

Damn, thought Gunnyduce. My Simians are finally beginning to use their heads for actual thinking. Except Stanitos, of course.

The Simian in question was busy exploring his sinus cavities with one finger. He extracted something and wiped it on his chiton. “Goat stew tonight?”

Gunnyduce sighed. “Probably.”

“Hey, boss,” called Dudeius. “Why ain't them villagers back? We ain't outlaws.”

“How would they know that?”

“Well . . .”

“While you're figuring that out, find us a place to shelter for the night. Forget the huts; they'll be crawling with vermin. A lean-to and some fresh straw might be better. Can you handle that?”

“Uh – sure.” Dudeius wandered off.

“The golem is coming,” warned Donius. “And he has someone with him.”

“Right. I see him.” Gunnyduce started toward the approaching golem, then stopped. “Once Dudeius finds some kind of shelter, you lot get camp set up. Archeron, you're on guard duty. Roam around, catch a couple chickens and take them to Donius. Then make sure these huts are really empty.”

“On my way, boss.”

The golem saluted. “We watch. We listen. This man come.”

“A linguist, I see,” observed the short, elderly man beside the golem. He stepped forward. “Cetus Whizikos, wizard at large.”

Gunnyduce laughed. “Of all the people or things I expected to see next, a wizard was not one of them. Shouldn't you be residing in some aristocrat's court? One seldom sees magicians out in the wild.”

The small man bowed slightly. “I am not one of those sleight of hand charlatans, sir. Nor do I dabble in magic. Though trained as a seer, my specialty involves speaking with the dead.”

“A necromancer.” The old Spartan took a step back. “That's black magic.”

It was the wizard's turn to laugh. “My work involves direct intervention by various minor deities. I believe you also have contact with at least one goddess. Are you, then, a worker in black magic?”

“How did . . .”

“Again, no magic. Her mark is on you. I will not speak her name.”

“No.” Gunnyduce shook his head emphatically. “No. Do not do that.”

Fick evidently tired of the exchange. “We go back. Watch. Listen.” He saluted and left.

“That's quite a companion you have,” said Whizikos. “A thing of real black magic.”

“So I understand. Nevertheless, he's – ah – useful. A tireless guard, for one thing.”

“There are three spirits imprisoned within all that clay. Maybe more.”

“He says there are others. The three are an Athenian philosopher, a Scythian warrior, and a Syrian dancer.”

“So I gather.” Whizikos glanced around. “The village is deserted?”

“Yes.” Gunnyduce gave the wizard an edited version of the days events. “I don't think the people who live here will come back until we leave.”

“I'm sure you're right.” Whizikos nodded toward the break in the trees where the road continued south. “I left a donkey in the brush. He would not approach the golem. Can I bring him in?”

“Sure. I'll go with you.”

“So,” said Gunnyduce as they walked along. “What brings a necromancer to this part of the world? Are you seeking a shrine? An oracle?”

“Nothing so ordinary. I am seeking to preserve my own neck.”

“A common enough reason for a man to take to the wilds. Perhaps your flight is more ordinary than you think.”

“You may be right. My training and experience did not prepare me for life on the run. I had not considered why a man with some wealth and a reasonable degree of security might load a few possessions on a donkey and slip away like a thief in the night.”

“Few think in those terms until forced by circumstances – in my experience.”

“The fugitive soon loses all interest in normal life. He sleeps little, eats less, and treads always on the knife edge between madness and sanity.” The wizard rubbed at the patchy stubble on his chin. “I begin to believe civilization is but a thin veneer stretched over an abyss of savagery.”

“Careful,” cautioned Gunnyduce. “You're in danger of committing philosophy.”

Whizikos laughed and shook his head.

“So why did you load your donkey and begin this journey of self preservation?”

“Ah. Hubris. I dared too much. A seer needs always to be cautious in presenting omens to the client, especially when that client is the seer's primary patron.”

“You performed a divination and the auspices were bad?”

“Worse. My patron, one Otus Ganikos, wished to know if his wife had been faithful to him while he was away on an extended sea voyage.”

“And she had not been?”

“Right. That was bad enough. Ganikos had her brought in. He stomped around in a blind rage for several minutes, then required me to name her lover.” Whizikos produced a humorless smile. “Not that I could have, you know. Divination isn't meant for that kind of thing.”

Gunnyduce thought of several powerful men he had put horns on during his youth. “No. And a good thing, too.”

“The woman collapsed and her husband raised his sword, as if to strike her. His guard captain pulled his own weapon and drove it into Ganikos' back.”

“Don't tell me,” said Gunnyduce. “The guard captain was her lover.”

“Evidently. The captain cleaned his sword on Ganikos' chiton, then picked up the body and dumped it over the balcony edge, which overhangs a sheer cliff. My former patron vanished into the Gulf of Argolis. It was called an accident.”

“So how did you wind up as a fugitive?”

“I was a witness. After a decent interval the widow will certainly take the captain for her husband. They can probably trust each other, but what about me?”

“Gods. Yes. When did you leave?”

“That same night. The gods know I'm a slow wit at times, but after a few knowing glances from the woman I realized I had to get away.”

“But they sent men after you?”

“Aye. It was a near thing. I was able to avoid capture, but the pursuit went on for days. Eventually, I was saved in an entirely unforeseen manner. By pirates.”

“Pirates? Gods. Save that tale. The lads will want to hear it.”

“Here is my donkey.” Whizikos untied the beast. “Come Rommelus.”

The animal snorted its displeasure, but followed his master willingly.

“Rommelus,” mused Gunnyduce. “A strange name for a donkey.”

“He is inhabited by a demon of the underworld,” explained Whizikos. “A harmless wight, to be sure. He can be fractious, but donkeys often are.”

Gunnyduce chuckled. “A demon in a donkey suit. How did that happen?”

“Ah, well. Rommelus suffers from the delusion that he is – or rather will be – a famous general in some future conflict. He refused to do usual demon work and insisted on wearing a funny peaked cap and speaking a strange made-up language. Eventually, he was booted out of the underworld. A demon loose in our world must find a living creature within a few minutes or vanish away. The only living thing available to Rommelus was this donkey.”

Gunnyduce couldn't tell if Whizikos was pulling his leg or not. It didn't really matter. The wizard told a good story. The lads would be pleased.




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Wow! I actually hit the intended target! Now if I don't pass out from looking at the boobies that may enter the story soon... ;)

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1 hour ago, Donster said:

Wow! I actually hit the intended target! Now if I don't pass out from looking at the boobies that may enter the story soon... ;)


A Christmas miracle?  :lol:

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Down to the Sea

Whizikos, no longer pursued by his enemies, elected to accompany the Simians on their journey to Sardis. “A change of location will be healthful,” he told Gunnyduce. “I am also curious as to the fate of your golem.”

Thus, he did not tell his story that night, nor the next. Worn by his long journey, the seer rolled into his cloak and fell asleep after supper. The little group marched into the night the next day, reaching the outskirts of Gythium before Gunnyduce called a halt. They camped that night in an olive grove. In the morning, the ex-hoplite and Archeron went down to the harbor. Whizikos strolled up to where the golem maintained his tireless watch.

Good morning, Fick. I take it the night was quiet?”

We watch. We listen. Fox kill stoat. Cats kill mice.” The golem lifted a massive arm and pointed seaward. “Eagle hunt.”

Slaughter and feasting.” The wizard walked to a crude stone bench and sat down. “A good spot, this, for spying out the land. Someone liked the view enough to make this seat.”

We watch. We listen.” Fick produced his stone duckie. “Duckie watch night sky. Count stars. Always count stars.”

This was Whizikos' introduction to the stone duckie. “I – ah – I carry an amulet. For luck. Does the duckie bring good luck?”

No.” Fick put the stone image away. “No luck. No luck for spirits inside head.” He smote the side of his head, leaving it slightly askew.

Whizikos edged to the far end of the bench. “So – has duckie told you how many stars are in the sky?”

Duckie counts. Night sky changes. Stars change. Duckie go crazy. Sleep in clay pocket. I take out when sun up. Duckie count. One. Know number stars in sky. One. Not crazy.”

Er – yes. I can – ah – see that. One. Well.” Whizikos slid off the bench. “I'm just going to – um – to see about breakfast.” He hurried away.

Wizard go crazy,” murmured Fick. Duckie said nothing.


Gunnyduce returned to camp and set the Simians to packing up. “OldGuytukus is ready to take us on board.” He turned toward Whizikos. “You haven't changed your mind?”

No. The gods know how far my enemies can reach. I may go on east, into Persia.”

Okay. Be ready to leave. I'm going to talk to Fick.”

That's one strange creature.”

Not his fault. I'll be back shortly.”

Fick watched Gunnyduce approach. “We watch. We listen. Wizard come. Talk.”

He tell you about his narrow escape?”

No. She marks him.”

She?” Gunnyduce's heart filled with dread. “You mean Diana?”

Same. Wrist amulet. Like man Donius kill. Invisible.” The golem repeated the word 'invisible' as if hearing it for the first time.

Invisible,” murmured the old Spartan. “A word from your philosopher?”

Yes. Invisible to you. Invisible to wizard.” Fick thumped his chest. “I see.”

Okay. So Diana has her claws into Whizikos. Interesting.”

We go in ship?”

Yes. I'll come back for you tonight. Lead you to the ship.”

No. Golem too big for town.” Fick pointed toward a headland marking the entrance to the harbor. “Pick up Fick there. Close to shore.”

Fick, I don't think we can pick you up in a boat. You're too big. Probably too heavy.”

I meet ship there.”

Though still not convinced, Gunnyduce eventually agreed to Fick's plan. He hadn't been looking forward to guiding the creature through the town anyway. All it would take would be a couple of drunks to catch sight of the thing and raise an alarm. A mob equipped with torches and farm implements could probably finish off the golem – and any with him.

Back on board, he hustled OldGuytukus out to an empty dock and told him what the golem had planned.

Well,” the old fart shrugged. “It's his funeral if that clay body falls apart in the water.”

I don't think it will. I also think Diana didn't really understand everything about old Fick.”

She is a tad impetuous. The gods know how all this will turn out.”

Have you talked to the wizard? Heard his story?”

I have. Damn lucky for him that a boatload of pirates beached their ship and made camp right where his pursuers would stumble into them. They're probably pulling an oar on that same ship.”

Gunnyduce frowned. “I wonder. Whizikos saw them grabbed and taken aboard. He believes they were killed or taken as slaves.”

You know any different?”

Fick says the wizard wears a bracelet like this one.” Gunnyduce handed over the wrist protector taken from the dead warrior.

He doesn't wear anything on his wrist.”

Not that we can see. Fick says he can see it. I've heard of such, but never believed the stories. An invisible bracelet.”

One that even Whizikos isn't aware of? That's hard to swallow.”

Hard to swallow? You manage to drink that horse piss you call beer. You know Diana. You're passingly familiar with the capabilities of her like. I'd say Fick has it right.”

Miletus and Sons Genuine Draft has no piss in it, horse or otherwise.” OldGuytukus handed the bracelet back to the ex-hoplite. “But your argument makes sense. Diana, clay men, visible and invisible bracelets. It all fits, in a mysterious sort of way.”

The only mystery is: what the hell has she got in mind?”

True. Everything else relates back to her plan, if she has one.”

So what do we do?”

OldGuytukus sighed and headed back toward the ship. “We cast off and head for Sardis, by way of Pirate Isle. On the way we pick up your clay pal.”

He ain't a pal of mine,” muttered Gunnyduce. He wondered if that was really true.


Picking up the golem proved to be a simple task. Light morning airs carried Sea Mist out of Gythium harbor. As they approached the rocky prominence on the western side of the harbor entrance, OldGuytukus ordered the sail dropped.

He motioned to Kratos, the mate. “Oars out. Keep her off the rocks.”

Before the oars could be extended, Gunnyduce spotted the golem wading into the water. He pointed. “There. He's coming to us.”

The sailors broke out in an excited hubbub. Kratos shouted for quiet. He stepped up on the side planking and stood there, one arm wrapped around the rigging. “Your beast walks on the bottom. Now he has gone under.”

“Drop some rope over the side,” suggested Gunnyduce. “He may need . . .” He fell silent as a pair of mitten-like hands clutched the side. “Or maybe not.”

Fick pulled himself from the water and rolled over the side, landing on his knees. Water streamed from his clay body. He stood up. The sailors scrambled back even as the Simians came forward to welcome their companion aboard.

“I guess you're not at risk in the water,” said OldGuytukus.

The golem made a stiff shrug. “Walk on bottom. Stretch arms to ship. No problem. Long time in water. Problem.”

“Get under way,” ordered OldGuytukus. “The wind is fair for Malea Point.”


Not only was the wind fair, it was also steady, and the weather remained excellent. After spending the night ashore on the lee side of the point, Kratos and OldGuytukus had Sea Mist afloat and headed for the island of Melos by dawn. The wind had shifted to slightly abeam the ship's stern. The sky was sunny and clear.

“I don't like this,” muttered OldGuytukus when Gunnyduce made his way aft. “The wind and weather are too good for this time of year.”

“I noticed you weren't steering north along the coast.”

“The wind is almost dead foul for that. We'd be six days going up the coast and then across to Mykonos or Naxos. Maybe longer. Maybe a lot longer if the gods will it.”

Gunnyduce nodded his understanding. “So someone is smoothing our way? Diana?”

“Who else? And why?”

“We've already decided we can't do anything but go along until we know more. I'm glad of the opportunity to continue training my lot. How are your sailors when it comes to a fight?”

“The sailors are mostly bowmen. They have shields and short swords. All have experience in combat against pirates. A couple may have been pirates. Most sailors in this part of the world are – when the opportunity presents itself.”

“Donius is good with a bow,” said Gunnyduce. “The others can hold their own. Fick will probably be good up close and personal. The sight of him alone is frightening. You don't have any hoplites on board?”

“Kratos and one of the steersmen, Milo, can fight in line with spear and sword. They have armor, shields, full equipment. I haven't asked where they got the gear or the experience.”

“Okay. I guess we have a functional assortment of killers. How long to Melos?”

“With this wind – we should make it just before dusk.”

“Good. The lads need a bit of stirring up.” Gunnyduce headed forward.

“Kratos,” called OldGuytukus. “I'll relieve Milo. I want the two of you to put the crew through their paces. We may have to do some fighting before long.”

The mate rubbed his hands together. “Excellent. I'll get with Gunnyduce and we'll work out a coordinated defense plan. Then we can put the lot of them through their paces.”

A sudden outburst of shouted orders and strident yelps of alarm announced the start of a day of terror for the Simians. Kratos laughed and punched Milo's shoulder. “Roust our bunch. No sense letting the old Spartan have all the fun.”

“Gods,” sighed Nestor, the other steersman and oldest man on the ship. “I hope you don't plan on takin' me into a fight.”

“I hadn't intended to,” replied OldGuytukus. “Do you even have a sword?”

“Oh, aye.” The man chuckled. “It it ain't rusted away. I has some armor and a helmet. I wears 'em when pirates attack. Someone has to steer.”

“Glad to hear it. The only weapon I'd ever seen you with was a knife.”

“Aye. Gotta gut fish. And pry stoppers outta wine jugs.”

“I'll drink to that.”


Some hours later, OldGuytukus called Gunnyduce aft. “You noticed that dark smudge ahead of us?”

The old Spartan wheeled around and stared forward. “No. I been busy. Bad weather?” He shaded his eyes. “No. An island?”

“Looks like.”

“But it's only midday. We can't have reached Melos yet?”

“Nestor and I figure the same thing.” OldGuytukus shoved the tiller to one side. Both steering oars rotated, leather harness creaking. Sea Mist did not respond. Her wake stretched behind, straight as a ruler.

“Ah. That's not good.”

“An understatement.” OldGuytukus pulled the tiller back to center. “Knock off the war games and let the lads rest. Send Kratos to me.”

Kratos appeared and in a few moments the crew was lowering the sail and mast. That done, he had rations issued. Sea Mist ghosted on, creaking as she breasted the waves. The dark island grew larger. The golem came back to stand by OldGuytukus.

“We watch. We listen. We do not like this land. Do you know it?”

“We have left the land of the living,” said OldGuytukus. “This is part of the Underworld.”

“Philosopher agrees. Dancer fades.”

“Good. There won't be any dancing.”

The surface became as glass, Sea Mist making scarcely a ripple as she slid forward. Gray gravel banks appeared on both sides, forming a canal no more than fifty paces wide. The sky faded to black. No stars appeared. Simians and sailors alike stood armed and ready, frightened into silence.

Sea Mist slowed further, then stopped alongside a weathered gray dock. The ship sides and dock were at the same level. On the dock stood a creature which, at a glance, seemed to be a man wearing a horned helmet. As OldGuytukus stepped to the dock he saw that he faced no man, but a beast of the Underworld. The thing was bulky and ugly, with cloven hooves. It wore black trousers and vest. Short arms bulged with muscles. Black, ridged horns grew from the creature's head, which was man-like even to the facial features. And such features! The beast had the saddest face he had ever seen.

“Finally,” said the horned being. “You're here.”



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I thought for sure that Fink would melt away if he waded through water.  Guess we need more time wading, or a fire hose.

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On 12/23/2017 at 11:36 AM, Itchie Crotchie said:

Itchie nevel crouse fliend of Helr Solen Dickress! As fol Nolth Koleans, noie wolry! Itchie and supeliol ailfolce of Impelial Nippon destloy them noie plobrem! Kimchi Kim-san arl mouthie, rike Mussorini!



Vhat did vou attempt to zay?  Dein Japlish ist incomprehizible.


By zhe vay vhat happendt to zhis schtory?  No inztallmentz in vone und ein half veeks.  Ist zhis vhere ve fvinisch vritink zhe schtory?

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Shut up Herr President of the Hair Club for Girly Men. OG is in New York City with his publisher working on a new book contract. Maybe he will see you working at Trump Tower cleaning the men's bathroom.

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Old Guy might find Fink in NYC, but only if he starts looking in the alleys, checking the dumpsters for signs of homesteading.

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NEWS FLASH! Herr Soren Fick named to Ambassador post by the Trump Administration. Fick will be the new US Ambassador to Haiti. To help save U.S. Taxpayer money, the President has closed the current Embassy building and in a gesture of goodwill to the Haitian people, he has ordered that the new Embassy be located in one of Haiti's poorest beachfront homes, along with a boat for Ambassador Fick to use for fishing. The current resident will be moved to the old US Embassy building and Herr Soren Fick will pay any and all expenses to the Haitian government. This move has been hailed by the UN as great progress in relations between both the United States and Haiti.


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CORRECTION: There has been an error in our previous reporting of Herr Soren Fick being named Ambassador to Haiti. He has been hired as an entry level custodian at the new US Embassy and his duties are cleaning the local bathroom facilities with a rag and a container of Comet brand Cleanser. No latex gloves were provided. The Associated Press regrets the error.

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