Whizkid

I knew it! SH!T,somebody had to ruin my great story!

Subject: Golf Story An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he finds a wee Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his Scotch from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did good job. How many times a day? " Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish"

Manure - In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by sailing ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T.," (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I thought it was a golf term!

Oi! Us English blokes resent the implication that we would run just because we lost the ball! To walk shows much greater control of ourselves under adverse circumstances,doesn't it? Really,one must consider the implications of losing ones equanimity!

Don't you just love the guys name! "Col. John Blashford-Snell " Bet he loves his G@T every afternoon at 4pm!

Welcome,Andy,to the most enjoyable and mature (excepting DH!) web-site of its type on the Internet! I can't help you with your problem myself,but as soon as our highly paid and totally knowledgeable participants wake up and get a couple of beers down them I am sure they will be able to answer to your satisfaction. BURP!

But,Stans,you don't understand! We're not at war,we're trying to find WMD's! (OK,OK,Paddles,I'm leaving!)

Priceless! How far down we have come!

No problem,Stans. We lead the world in varieties of fruit,peaches,pears,apricots,plums,etc,etc. We also have other types which aren't often mentioned except in liberal papers and the Underground Press. Hollywood is widely known for its broad spectrum of fruits,of various classifications,and leads the world in its movie output,with many fruits being prominently displayed. There,I think the State Ag board would be proud of me,and nobody was offended!

Hey,CFran,you mean those Burqas don't turn you on?

See,California ain't the only place that has its own nuts!

Oh,my God,Bilkers is back! Run for your lives!!!!!!!!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. ============= 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. ============= 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. ============= 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! ============= 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. ============= 6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive! the opposite sex crazy! ============= 7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. ============= 8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the! level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. ============= 9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels ! in the brain. ============= 10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever. =============

Subject: Mental Test During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub" Okay, here's your test: (Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before even taking this test!) 1. Would you use the spoon? or 2. Would you use the teacup? or 3. Would you use the bucket? SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE ANSWER "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup. KEEP SCROLLING DOWN.... KEEP SCROLLING DOWN.... "Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles. The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in thehotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through. The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in. Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal. DEPORT HER TO AMERICA -- WE NEED HER!!!

DH,this is just for you! Pope John Paul II was not the Cardinal's first choice: Cardinal Ratzinger was not the Cardinal's first choice to become the new Pope. As I understand it, it was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje. Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest. Before he could finish his seminary training, he was drafted into the Army during WWII and spend two years co-piloting B-17's until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war in a POW camp, serving as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he finished his seminary training and he became a priest. He Father Grapje served as a missionary in Africa and piloted his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, he was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Ignoring the dangers, Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severly injured to move. While he was down in the mine, another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The exposure to the high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches. Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascent to the Papacy. They felt that that Church (and the world in general) would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

Thanks for the Demo link,Neddie. I see I'm missing a few add-ons for reality. Isn't it incredible what GPLEA has done to the original game? Also,whoopee,I got my Force Feedback working on my MS Wheel,having found the answer about XP Compatability on the web-site you mentioned. Now I don't hit the curbs so much!

Touche,DH! What a Woman Wants. . . Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? > > > > > > > > > > The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way... Things are going to get very ugly. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please,please,would someone garrotte him,or something?

Damn,Joker,I just wrote you a long reply and then lost it before I could hit the button! I hate that! Anyway,I love GPL (my era,you know!) and drive a Brabham around Mosport a lot. Along with Jimmy Clark,and Bonnier,and Ginther,and several Ferrari drivers who I hate! Who's CD do you have? Mine was from "Sold Out" in the UK,ordered from EBay,and I have no problems. The latest add-ons are incredible! Wait till you see Monaco! I might suggest you go to "www.kotr.de\GPL" and ask on the Forum or go Google for GPL links. There are quite a few. The sim is still alive and well,but compared to F1 now it's dated. But you can still do a four-wheel drift! E-mail me if I can help with info. I have a lot of stuff I've d/l'd from the Internet........Cheers...Whiz.

I just read in "Dear Abby" (shut up!) that Congress has created the "National Day of Remembrance" to remind Americans of the sacrifices made since the founding of this country by the men and women in the Armed Forces. They ask that we all pause at 3pm Local Time and reflect on this. So back off from the Barbie and give those brave souls a minute of your time. Because they gave their ALL for you. And tonite on A&E is the story of John McCain. Should be worth a look.

I thank God for all those who serve to secure MY freedom! My service was in a time of peace,long gone,but my heart goes out to those who are in harms way. May God bless and keep you,I salute you all.

Been on the Internet again,eh,Baltar?

JC,an 8!!

Damn,I'mstarting to tear up! Too many of the best loved ones leaving us!