Herr Soren Fick

ACH! Herr Stainz zhat iz unkalled vor! For dein invormazion I do have nutz und zhey are bikker zhan yourz! I am zurprized at how you are all villink to zhrow me to zhe wolvez avter all I hav done vor you.

Ha! Zhat iz nozhink kompared to zhe konzentvratedt fire of vour zhirty millimeter kannonz in zhe Me-262.

Scheisse!

ACH! Zhis iz not gute. You hav angeredt zhe Emperor! Mein ekzperienze vhiz zhe Emperor vas zhat ein angry Emperor vas to be feared. Pardon me I need to pak mein zhings und get out of zhis kondemned kountry. Perhapz you schould konzider doink zhe zame ja?

Und zhis iz vone of zhe vreazons vhy he vas never promoted beyond gefreiter. He iz not zhat gute of ein valet zo I zhink he may be bezzer az ein spottedt orc.

No! No! Nein! NEIN! NEIN! ACH! I do nicht hav einy zutch problemz! I do nicht need einy elektroschok zherapy to kure einyzhing! You all schtay avay from me! Go schok gefreiter Vhiz. He needz zherapy. He vhizes hiz trouzers too zo maybe you kan vork on zhat ja? Und he criez in hiz zleep und I mean he zobs zo zhere iz zomezhing elze for you to vork on. I zhink he alzo preferz to vear zhe fraulein unter garmentz. Now zhat iz zomezhing he vreally needz help wizh zo give him zhe zherapy!

Kvuiet down gefreiter! Do you zhink I am happy wizh mauve? But einough of zhat az I vant to know more about zhis Marie. Dezpite vhat Oldt Gay says about me I aktually hav no pervormanze problemz wizh zhe frauleins.

And maken me ein -hic- ein nozher -hic- nozher -hic- nozher glazz -hic- of boobz -hic-. Booze. -hic- Dein haaaarsch vordz -hic- hurten me. -hic-

ACH! Him -hic- Himm -hic- el! I am in ein gvreaaaaat mood. Ein bozzle of schhhhhhnapps down zhe hatch und ein nozher bozzle on zhe vready! How arrrrrre vou? Hic. Oh und I do nicht -hic- schooten zhe people in zhe bak. hic.

Mein kompletely objektive und imparzial analyzis of zhis Ami propaganda fikzion. ACH! Zhat iz zhe differenze between zhe lazy Ami's und zhe zuperior Tjerman fightink man. Zhe zuperior Tjerman vould never tvry to get out of ein azzignment. Ve Tjermanz alvays had zhe bezt kartographerz. Veddy prezise und akkurate mapz. HA! Zent over az punischment vor inkompetenze iz more like it. Bwahahaha! Ja zhat vould be zhe Ami vay. Schoot zhem in zhe bak. Herr Dumzter vas probably too buzy krappink hiz pantz to eben zhink about schootink. At leazt you vrekognize zhe zuperior enjineerink of zhe zuperior Tjerman veaponz! Vinally zome truzh in all of zhis propaganda! You did not hav to tell einy of uz zhat bit of invormazion. How you Ami's zay "T-M-I"?

Ja. Zure Herr Ztains juzt like zhere iz ein Eazter Bunny, Zanta Klauze und ein Gvreat Pumpinkinen.

Herr Vhizinpantz you vere not invitedt to mein bunker. I am invitink zhe frauleins und you schould probably take dein chanzes mit dein "buddiez" in Zan Franzisko ja? Herr Ztains you schould not pozt pikturez of dein own schelter und try to pazz it off az mein. But zhat pikture of dein selbst schould help zkare off zhe intruderz. Herr Dumzter you hav alvayz talked about zhis legendary Babe Bunker but never iz zhere proof of itz ekziztanze. Perhapz you are deluzional und need to be on medikazions ja?

Zomehow I alvays knew zhat Vhizinpantz vas not interezted in zhe frauleins!

Vizh all zhe zocial unvrezt und now zhe zhreat of zhe Ebola I am preparink to evakuate to ein zurvival schelter. I am kallink out to Fifi und her little friend Bridgitte az I hav vroom vor tvo guezts und I kould not zhink of einyvone elze I vould vant to hav vizh me unter zheze zirkumztanzes. To get zhere I hav obtained tranzportazion zhat vill vork unter all kondizions. It iz also kvuit nizely armed und armored zho zhere vill not be einy problemz vizh beink attakted. I kall zhis vunder tranzport zhe Zweckgesellschaft gepanzerte mehrzweck-kettenfahrzeug. Vor eaze of kommunikazion you kan kall it zhe getten avay fazt vagen. Zhe zpace iz ein little tight but I know Fifi und Bridgitte like zhings zhat are ein little tight. ;-) Zhis iz ein gute ekzample of zhe inzide of zhe schelter. Ve vill be kvuite zafe here. Iz nize ja? Und plenty of vroom for livink und perhapz ein little zomezhing zomezhing too ja? Ve do not know but ve might hav to vrepopulate zhe vorld und zhis vould be ein gute plaze to schtart zhe new vraze ja? Zo you let me know vhere und vhen I schould pik you up ja? Zhe vrezt of you kan entjoy zhe plaguez und violenze zhat vill be zhe ende of you!

Gute newz for Lottie. Now she kan move avround und find you und beat you vizh her kane ja?

Zhe tvo in zhe schtagnanthound vere zhe vone known az Artchie und you Herr Vhizinpantz. Und zhe schmell vas vorze zhan zhose Frenchie zigarettes. Ja! It zmelled more like zhat pizz zhat zhe Ami's kall beer. Bwahahaha!

Vas zhe hell? I am pretty zure zhat Herr Ztains haz inzulted me. I Googledt zhe term penzil neckt geek und I kan azzure you zhat I am not ein penzil neckt geek. Zhat vas not nize.

Danke Oldt Guy for dein inzight on zhe mean attitudez displayed. Und it zounds like Herr Ztains iz havink ein chanje of heart ja? I never zhought of it zhat vay but maybe you all do like me. It iz zo nize to be liked. Danke!

Zhose are not vedy nize zhings to zay. Und vhy do you kontinue to get mein name vrong. It iz zo eazy. F-I-C-K. I am ein nize guy zo vhy do zhe tvo of you pik on me?

Zo gute to hear zhat her voot zurdjery vent vell. Now she kan kik dien arse vizh vull vorze!

Zo she iz havink her voot zurdjikally vremoved from dein arse ja?

ACH! Ja, I vremember zhat night but even zhough I almozt got schot she vas vorzh zhe vrisk.

ACH! Schtiks und schtonez Herr Dumbzter! You are jealouz bekauze you are not half zhe man zhat I am.

Not zhe zort of problem I have, ezpeschially avter mein lazt vrekonztruktive zurgery. Oh, Fifi! Vhere are you? I hav ein bik zurprize for you.

Huzzah! I vould like to put in mein order for vone brandy, vone schnapps, und vone beer! Havink Baltar vreturn iz goink to be gute for uz ja?