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Dark Helmet

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About Dark Helmet

  • Rank
    Lord Dark Helmet

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  • Location
    Planet Spaceball
  1. Dark Helmet

    Tuesday

    Uh...sorry oh great Emperor of all that is Evil and soon all of the Universe! My helmet has been malfunctioning lately by fouling up the optics. Some kind of software issue. Our tech department is working on it. The only step down you have to make is the stairs leading down to your secret bunker! You are the leader of us all and we are all happy to be working for you, destroying the one called "Donnie the Clump". I just have to make sure I don't mix up the idiot Donnie of CSIM and the orange one in Washington. Both are about as bright as a burned out star system. And interchangeable. As for me drinking, I only drink coffee from the Mr. Coffee machine on Spaceball One.
  2. Dark Helmet

    Tuesday

    Yes my fearless leader! This taking down of Trump and Pence is so easy even Achmed could do it. I have Trump by the neck, and am slowly tightening the rope around his neck. Doing this slowly, and having the American Pro-Emperor media in our pocket, will guarantee that Elizabeth Warren, one of your students, will win the 2020 election. Hillary has failed us to often, and will not enter the race. We will sweep and control the House and Senate. America will soon be yours to do what ever you wish. Lord Soros has been a great help for us. He needs to be promoted to provisional Governor of the eastern quadrant of the U.S., from Maine to Florida. The Americans have become so complacent, addicted to street drugs your cartel leaders are flooding the country with, and with America's youth so filled with anxiety at the very sight of their own shadows, needing "safe places" to try and cope, America will not even put up a fight.
  3. Yes my Lordship! The arrangements have been made. I even upgraded his airline seat from cattle class to first class on Lufthansa Airlines. He is staying at the Hotel Adlon Kempinski in Berlin, with an executive suite, and a chauffeured limousine. He has free purchasing privileges' using Achmed's Saudi Arabian Express credit card (Don't leave the desert without it). Not to mention a large sum of Euros for him to use at some of his favorite "strip clubs". 😉
  4. Dark Helmet

    Friday

    Fick, You can come back to "The New World Order™". Your talents are being wasted working for a fake American Führer. The Emperor is the true Führer of the universe. He may have a few wrinkles, but at least he isn't orange. You will have to start over at the bottom level of employment. Scrubbing out the sewage storage tank on our Starship Spaceball One. After a few months of good behavior and a job well done, you can be promoted to be an assistant for President Skroob of Planet Spaceball. Especially since you are used to working for an incompetent President on earth. Then advance to Lead Assistant to Governor Soros on Planet Sphincter.
  5. The Emperor is not dead! How...wonderful! The boss and I can negotiate with the major beer companies of Earth for intergalactic advertising space, now available on Spaceball One! This thread could become highly profitable for The New World Order. What do you think boss? We could hire the Old one, have him write up some non-fiction pieces about our...I mean your adventures, and sell them to the earth morons, brainwashing them towards the Dark Side and The New World Order! That's it! Eureka! Pretty brilliant plan if I say so myself.
  6. The moronic Japanese! Their experiment to try and destroy an asteroid is very amusing! They couldn't remove a hemorrhoid much less an asteroid! I will report this to The Emperor at once! And the orange president Trump and his so called "Space Force"! LMAO! He can't even stop a Chinese from breaching security into his Mar-a-Lago Club with fake passports and a thumb drive with malware. And we won't even bring up the Russians and the American elections. Any further attempts by the Japanese to send probes into space (or Fick) will result in Tokyo's obliteration by Spaceball 1!
  7. Damn straight oh evil one! Their government is shut down. Soon the millions on food stamps will no longer receive them. Their will be rioting in the streets. No income tax returns will be processed, so no one will get their much needed refunds. Grocers will feel the loss of no food stamp purchases. Big ticket items like cars, appliances sales will drop off, causing financial strain on businesses. They will have to lay off employees. Citizens who are laid off, especially government employees will loose their homes, apartments and cars due to non payment. The American economy will screech to a halt. Anarchy will prevail. Then we can step in and take complete control of the country!
  8. Dark Helmet

    Wednesday

    Herr Dumpster is a House Frau eh? Figures. I've always thought he was the powder puff type. Dominated by women (even the inflatable ones). Dumpster, maybe you and Herr Booger Flick can share Strudel and Schnitzel recipes.
  9. Dark Helmet

    Tuesday

    Hello CSIM morons! To celebrate the new beginning of the Emperor's New World Order that starts on this coming Tuesday in the USA after the NWO Blue Wave that will sweep across the country, and will be followed around the world, here is a little joke for you amateurs... An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a muscular guy. Then the alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder and says: bloop, bloop, bloop! The guy looks at him and says," If you do that again I will cut your head off with this here knife!" The alien just did it again and said bloop, bloop, bloop! In anger the guy cuts off the guys head. Immediately another one grows back. Then the alien pushes his finger into the guy's shoulder and says: bloop, bloop, bloop! The guy says if you do that again I will cut off your dick! The alien did it again so in his anger the guy pulls down the aliens pants and is shocked to see that there is no dick! In his astonishment he asks," If you don't have a dick then how do you have sex?" The alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder and says," bloop, bloop, bloop!"
  10. Dark Helmet

    Thursday

    I don't know the meaning of the word "failure". Assange failed us. I subcontracted his WikiLeaks team to take care of the minor task of hacking though the 6th grade educated Donnie's attempt at setting up his security system. I should have subcontracted Putin's Hacking Squad to perform the task. No matter. It soon will be completed. We will have the names of all the babes in the Bunker, and the access to the Bunker itself. Then let the fun begin! As for the sick, perverted dancing image of Herr Fick, that was very disturbing, but has been cleaned off the NWO's computer systems. I myself wonder how sicko Donnie was able to procure this sick video. Sounds to me like Fick and Donnie are an item? Hail to The Emperor! Hail to the NWO!!!
  11. No Stains. They are being tortured. They are being forced to watch videos of you at work, and putzing around your yard. Oh and I almost forgot! I have decided to get into beer manufacturing. Profits are astronomical! So I suggest you beer lovers try out my new Westbrook Black Rye Lager...
  12. My dear leader, I have carried out your instructions to the letter. I also had their bank accounts frozen. Hacked their email accounts and traced the money they were paid to influence their change of vote. Those responsible for the bribery have been beamed up to Spaceball One, their properties sold and the money received deposited to the HRC Foundation. They will be tortured while aboard Spaceball One and re-educated. The electric shock treatments will turn them into DNC supporters. They will do your bidding as you see fit.
  13. Yes, my Emperor. I have already sent couriers to the National Enquirer and The Star with all the evidence. They will release their papers to all Walmarts, grocery chains and convenience stores in America within hours! Soon every checkout aisle will be stocked with these newspapers! I have been told by their editors that they will publish the photo our spy took of Trump and Putin on Orgy Island, located in the Caribbean, naked in a hot tub, french kissing each other. The right wing conservatives tiny brains will explode! The Electors have already had their off shore bank accounts set up with the agreed upon payments. We have each of the Elector's first born child locked away on Spaceball One, or we have enough information on them to destroy their personal lives if they do not comply with their voting change. Oh, and by the way, I have taken the liberty to have the Chinese hack all the businesses that Trump owns, or is involved with. How could I fail you, oh great and powerful Emperor? You have my complete trust and cooperation! Oh, could I request permission to hack the moron they call Donster or Donnie around here? He has to have enough dirt to force him to give up the location and access to the Babe Bunker™! I'd like to take the Bunker over, if you know what I mean! Wink wink!
  14. Fick lies as usual. Here is photographic proof of Fick along with his Donkey Daisy carrying the anti-server hacking hardware, with his and Col. Sanders poorly designed software installed...
  15. Uh....umm....it was those damn Russians, oh great and merciful Emperor! They snuck in when I wasn't looking, like Russians do! They hacked the American electronic voting system! HRC was set up to win by a landslide. It was supposed to be over by 7 PM Eastern time! Herr Fick said he had the servers protected and hack proof with a new anti-hacking software he and Col. Sanders developed! It wasn't my fault! Honest! Really!
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