Edwin Rommel

Ahhhhh! At lazt tjokez ich kan underschtand....!

Zhorry Herr Vhizzerz-- you lozt me after zhe "M....

A few hours later a group of about 500 men tightly squeezed together on a 300 man island watch as the huge carrier disappear to the North-West. The 9 huge Babcock & Wilcox boilers churning the 4 huge screws faster and faster. The smoke still has red smears of iron oxide in it, but after a while all the years of neglect seemed to have burned away. All over the ship men are busy cleaning, painting and preparing for the fights ahead. A new crest slowly takes shape on the conning tower island. The flaking Y is surplanted by a crest featuring a Jolly Roger with the motto “Morituri Nolumus Mori” painted underneath… A motley collection of planes litter the hangar- from all spheres of the pacific war, and from all vintages. All over the cavernous ship small groups of men are undergoing intense training…

“Zho zhere you haf it- if you are not fur uz--- vhell—you are against uz—unt before you maken your descizion- juzt remember zhe prize, und vhot you vhill looze apart frum your life if you choozen vronk… Ich vhil give you 5 minutez to dezide- unt ich vhill pay ein $500 joinink fee fur all zhat dezidez for uz….” The motley mass of men—close to 3000 of them stare at the stack of boxes the Kaluen are climbing down from. Soon they start talking among themselves in small groups. There are Americans, Brits, Germans, Dutch, some Indonesians and even a few Japs, but racial distinctions no longer seem to matter--- the question was between life and death—and death seems so final and the same for all--- irrespective whose flag you followed. “Ach--- unt if you vhould dezide not to join uz…. Vhell--- zhere are many little izlandz around here zhat vhould vhelkome you--- mit vhon schmall problem ---- zhey zhubmerge durink high tide….’

“Ach lieber Gott… vhot zhe hell…” Kaleun Schwalbe turns towards Kaptein Barbarosa (now sporting General Caruther’s pet monkey on his shoulder)—who is also staring open-mouthed at the sight in front of him. In the hidden lagoon a very large ship is lying at anchor, covered with a huge camouflage net and all but invisible if you did not know exactly where to look…. The native guide turns towards the pair on the bow of the “Runway”— “Bossmen--- I giva to youse da flymachine ship… I thinka you kalla her CV 5” “Ach Himmel—zhe Yorktown???…. But but but but…” “She sinka in da deep water???? Hahaha—no faringi--- we tow her dis place in da night and putta da dekoy for da Amerikan - da Amerikan faringi never knew dat she dinna go deep place in ocean dat night” As the “Runway” coasts closer to the enormous bulk of the ship it can be seen that there are many signs of a heavy battle on her, but also signs that the torpedo and bomb damage has been largely repaired… “Barbosa--- we are in buzinezz!!! Yay!! All Schtoppen!” “All Schtoppen” “Hucken Faringi!” “Ach- pizz offen” “Small dongle!” “Shutten up!”

Do you know vhich kountry Dar-es-Salaam iz??

look on zhe bright zhide-- you kould haf been diggink trenches in desert zhand as POW uf zhe glorious Afrika Korpz...

Zhe shovel komez to you... zhe kongratulazionz unt sympathy kardz go to her-- right??

Our governors normally put us in a state of apoplexy- is it the same thing?

“Beito tover zhiz iz Ventura #346987 en route to Aslito Airfield in Zhaipan (hic)” “Ventura- cleared for take-off on 325, climb to FL 22, resume own navigation” “Roger youze awll… Ventura out” Swaying noticeably the Ventura accelerates down the runway and as if in a afterthought lifts into the humid air right at the far end of the runway. It climbs out slowly, and eventually the wheels retract. It turns on a northerly course towards the Marianas and eventually becomes a speck on the horizon. In the control tower in Bieto a teletyper begins to spew out paper. The traffic controller starts reading it out of pure boredom. Suddenly he stiffens, turns very white and calls the officer of the watch over--- “Err Sir- I think you should look at this!” The officer takes the first page of fan-folded paper and starts reading…. “DTG 24 /11/44 03H00 Zulu- From: CINCPAC To: All Stations Priority Red A series of daring raids has taken place on our bases in the Truk island group. In all cases huge amounts of ammunition, fuel and military hardware were stolen and a number of prisoners were taken by the raiding forces. In all cases the raiders made good their escape in a very low-riding aircraft carrier that seemed to have rudder problems. Swearing could be heard clearly as far as the shore-line. General Caruther’s pet monkey was also stolen. Please keep a sharp look-out for this strange craft and approach with great caution. End. DTG 24/11/44 03H30 Zulu From: CINCPAC- Personnel To: Commander- Beito Your request for clearance of personnel into Bieto base- your radio communication on 23/11/44 12H24 Zulu refers. Please note that a thorough search of our records show the following: Major Shawn Thrift is currently deployed in Europe with the 82nd airborne as observer. His identity documents were lost during a night parachute drop. If your person is Major Thrift, please verify why he has deserted his post. You will recognize him by his southern accent. Sergeant Rick Palumbo has warrants for arrest out in seven states in the US. All these cases relate to paternity issues. Please retain for questioning. Sergeant Jay Abbot also has warrants against him. He has been involved with a series of industrial espionage cases. Apparently he has found a way to steal electronically stored data by transferring the data to cardboard cards and carry the cards out of high security government buildings as waste paper. Government security guards did not suspect anything because they expect all kinds of scrap to come out of the buildings. Apparently Abbot has sold several of the secret documents to government contractors, and even the Germans. Please approach with caution, but arrest on sight. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but our relay station in Truk has been overrun in a raid. End. DTG 24/11/44 05H00 Zulu From CINCPAC – Logistics To: Quartermaster- Beito Hi Alec We have made a big mistake! In our last transhipment we included three crates of advanced bomb explosive triggers. They have been packed in bright yellow crates and marked “practice ammunition”. We have just heard from the states that the triggers are so advanced that we cannot allow them to be deployed into forward combat areas. Please find the crates and return them to base on the next ferry flight. Tom “Errrr—Lieutenant?…That Ventura that just took off….” “Err—Yessir—Thrift, Palumbo and Abbot was on the crew roster…” “Bugger!” “There is more sir--- We saw them loading three yellow crates onto the plane- amongst other things…” “Ohhh—sh*t--- do we have any fighters on stand-by?” “No sir- they have been dispatched on a patrol towards Truk in response to an earlier distress call- they are probably past their maximum return range by now…” “Ok—Lieutenant….” “Yes sir…” “You still want that promotion?” “Errr—yessir…” “Well--- it will do both of our careers no good to not receive some messages…” “Yes sir?” “With the long ranges and all we sometimes do not receive all the messages here in this remote area….” “Ahhh—yessir—what messages sir?”

Zhiz iz zhe real mornink you cave dweller you!

Yipeekayjay!!! It iz offen to vhork vhe go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a the door of a lean to shack built with left over metal and some timber on the “Runway” a sign reads” Kaluen Joachim Schwalbe- Vizitz by appointment only” The first lieutenant knocks politely and wait for a response…. “JA?!” “Entschuldigen mich Herr Kaluen—vhon uf zhe prizonerz frum zhe Dutch U-Boat vhould like to talk to you… he vhoz zhe Kapitan zur Befehl uf zhe U-boat” “Hmmmf--- OK—let him in” As the Dutch officer enters the dark interior after the bright sunlight his eyes take a while to adjust. The first thing he sees is several pictures of a high ranking German officer with unintelligible things written over them—in the middle- a full face photograph of the same officer looking very much like the fabled “desert rat” with a kriegsmarine dagger stuck into one eye. “Vhot you vhont--- zhorry ich kannot offer you anyzhink to drink--- vhe are fresh out… hahahah… f*ck!” “Err—Herr Kaluen Schwalbe, dhat is eksakly what I vhant to talk to jew about--- please ekskuse my akzent—I do not schpeaken da Germlish too vhell” “Go ahead ich haf not all day…” “Vhell, Herr Kaluen, it iz like zhaz- I haf konfezzion too make…” “If you are looking fur ein priest, zhiz iz not zhe right place…” “Nei, it is anozzer surt uf konfezzion…. It iz like zhiz—my zhubmarine vhoz aktually shown az “zhunk” in zhe Dutch naval rekordz a long time ago…” “?????” “Vhell—vhe did zhunk, und vhere marooned on ane nearby island fur zheveral vheekz. Vhell, vhe got talkingk about zhe vhar unt zhe futulity uf it, und zhen after a vhile vhon uf zhe offizerz zhat had relazionz in kommerze in Holland und had a blood line runnink back to zhe Dutch- Eazt-India kompanie told uz about great treazurez in zhiz part uf zhe vhorld und how vhe might all bekomme schtinkink rich uzink zhe vhar az ekzkuze…” “Vhot doez zhiz haf to do mit me?” “Vhell Kaluen—zhiz haz everyzhink to do mit you--- I vhill help you to katch ZHAT man”—points at the picture of Rommel. “ACH—tell me more” “Vhell- I haf zhee zhat you are running low un fuel unt zhuppliez—unt frankly, zhe “Runvhay” iz a zhorry ekzkuze uf ein schip… Ich kan get you all uf zhoze und ein proper schip az vhell…” “Ja?” “Vhell—it vhoz like zhiz—at firzt I did not pay much attenzion to zhiz offizerz schtory, but then after tvho vheekz in zhe zhun unt vith very little left to zhurvive on, and zheeink zhat zhe Dutch Government “-spits on the floor-” did not even try to find uz, vhe schtarted thinkink unt talking more…” “Go on” “Vhell vhe dezided to schtart vhorkink fur ourzhelvez--- at zhat schtage zhum nativez found uz, unt mit zheir help vhe salvaged our Zhubmarine unt made it zheavorthy again…” “Wow!—unt…” “Vhell--- vhe vhere vhery astonished how uzefull zhe nativez vhere mit zhe zhalvage—unt zhey told uz zhey managed to restore a huge ship, az large az an island zhomevhere to zhe north..” “???” “Vhell--- vhe schtarted schtoppink merchantmen unt helpink ourzhelvez mit zhuppliez, unt planted zhum mahruiana on zhum uf zhe izlandz unt zhellink it to pazzink Amerikan unt Japoneze zholdiers…. Vhe vhere on ein run vhen vhe—vhell- ran into you…” “Tell me more…. Vhait--- LEUTENANT—BRING UZ ZHUM RUM…” Three hours later the door of the shack bursts open and two very happy and definitely not sober officers stumbles out supporting one another… "Zho--- Barboza--- vhe go zhere?" The Kaluen points a wavering finger somewhere north... "Datz right Joachim old friend-- hic..." “CHANGE COURZE 90 DEKREEZ TO ZHE NORTH!” “90 Degrees North!” “Huccken Faringi!” “SHUTTEN UP!!!” “Tiny dongle!” “GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR”

Salut-- zhe vheather'z perfect....

Eksakly!

Vhell-- you haf vhole vheek-ent to rekover---- "BRRRRAAAAAINNNNZZZZ --- NIZE HOT BRAIIINNNZZZZZ...... "

You are zho right-- feelink better after zhe little train akzident.... did you manage to pull yourzhelf together?

Meanwhile back on the good ship “Runway” the prisoners have been put on household chores. Fortunately some items were blown onto the runway, or were retrieved from the sea before sinking when the U-boat exploded (Eat you heart out CM Manager ) Since the “Runway” are all but uncontrollable, the Kaluen has figured that in addition to rudders of the FW’s pulling the “Runway” steerage could be improved by the crew shifting the center of gravity. For every major turn, the whole crew has to run to either the left or right of the runway to shift the weight into the direction of the turn. The expedience of having a sea-anchor to improve steerage for the monstrosity could also not be ignored. For this the Kaluen had skiers following the “Runway” (And you thought they were having fun!). Add to this the prisoners captured en-route whose added weight improved steerage even more and you had quite a ship-shape runway. Some crew could now be spared to man the two Vierling mounts (Actually—one was missing two barrels and the other had obviously bent barrels--), as well as the two salvaged torpedo tubes. To improve the ferocious look of the contraption, two young sailors have painted in light blue on the side of the prow- “KRIEGSMARINE RULEZ KO!” Seeing a small atoll approaching, the Kaluen turns towards the Coxswain, who in turn shouts to the back… “Three degrees zhu port!” “Huccken Faringi!” “Shutten up!!!” “Small dongle!” “Verskoon mij maar dit is OK en niet KO?” (Err-- I think you made a spelling mistake) After a while the paint dries… “KRIEGSMARINE RULEZ █OK!” “Huccken Faringi”

With a final bump, the Ventura settles onto the newly repaired runway on Beito. The propellers reflect briefly in the sunlight before sighing to a stop at the end of the runway, the last dregs of fuel spent. A MP jeep races from the control tower towards the parked aircraft. Briefly saluting Major Thrift (hehehehe), the MP turns towards Palumbo and Abbot--- “Which of you is Palumbo?” Shultz hesitantly lifts his hand. “We have checked personnel files and you all check out fine (Danke Abwehr!!!), except that Palumbo here is wanted for a paternity suit back in the States, do you mind if we take him for questioning?” “Lizzen here Lootenant- diz here iz mein navikator- we have to get zhiz aircraft to Zchee-Zchee-Tjima- unt mitout him vhe are fooked” “Errr—Yes sir, but you see…” “Palumbo! Show him your vhound!” “Err—Ich vhould razher not..” “Palumbo zhiz iz order!” Hesitantly, Shultz/Palumbo drops his pants… The MP lieutenant pales visibly and looks back at Rommel/Thrift… “So sorry Major—I am sure this cannot be the man” As Shultz dresses the Jeep pulls away. Rommel is sure he heard a “shame” from the MP Lieutenant as he hurries back to the control tower. “Abbot—quitten dozink arount und get zhiz krate filled uppen- Palumbo--- scrounge uz zhum ammo unt foot--- Ich vhill be at zhe Offizerz Klub vhen you vhant me…” As Rommels walks away Shultz turn to Heinz…. “You know – even az ein AMI he iz ein arrogant lazy baztard….”

Shiity day--- now haf to vhait ein WHOLE vheekent before vhe kan go back to vork.... Verdamt

There was this blind guy at the nudist colony How to tell which one he is in the crowd.... Well---- it is not hard....

Vhizzerz-- you heartlezz baztard you..... Although--- I muzt zhay it iz an improvment--- talk about a face-lift ----- His face muzt haf been lifted at leazt three blockz zhat avay.....

Two figures pop up in the wake of the moving island… “Huccken Faringi!!” A pair of bent forearms rise in unison to put weight behind the shouted curse. The water skiers swerve and skillfully grab the raised arms. The men on the stern of the island reel in the tow ropes and soon the two dripping fishermen are standing on the floating runway. In typical island culture they claim the new territory. A spear is banged into the surface of the runway by one while the other quickly unrolls a very wet, faded and tattered Union jack…. “We claim dis land for the queenie and here is her jack!” “LEUTENANT--- GETTEN ZHIE ZHOZE SAVAGEZ UNDER KONTROL UND PUTTEN ZHEM IN ZHE SCHTOKADE MIT ZHE DUTCHMEN---- “ ”Jawohl Herr Kaleun!” “UND PATCHEN SIE ZHE DAMN HOLE ZHEIR SCHPEAR MADE UNT TAKE ZHEM JACK OFF….. queenie??? …. harumppfffff….. mein arsch- she vhill haf to do better zhan zhat to claim zhiz piece uf land!” From the stockade a voice sounds… “Huccken Faringi!” Giving the stockade a one finger salute the Kaleun turns towards the bow. A determined look can be seen on his face….. “Tiny dongle!!!” “Ach--- shut up!!”

Vhell if a Merlin goez "takatatakataka---- spang!!!!" zhen Ja-- ich know zhound uf Merlin Oooohhh--- Kanookie gave hiz vhone ein name.....

“Beito field, Beito field zhiz---dis---- this ist Eakle vhon out uf…. Eagle one out of Truk for landing on 110” “G’day, Eagle 1, Beito, please state type and position” “G’day ywhall--- hehehehe--- zhiz --- Eakle vhon- one ist type Ventura PV1 23 kilometers--- err 13 miles west uf Tarrawa” “Eagle one please maintain holding pattern west at 9 miles” “Errr—Beito, Eakle vhon deklarez fuel emergency at zhiz time” “Eagle one hold” “bbbzzztttttt” “Eagle one, Beito tower- We show no scheduled flight from Truk at this time and the endurance of the Ventura shows in excess of 4000 nm in our record?” “Beito, Eakle vhon – vhe… we are a spezial ferry flight uf personal aikraft fur ….. General …mumble- mumble…. Vhe haf contaminated fuel problem unt neet to land immediately…” “Eagle one- state crew” “Errr—Major Thrift, pilot, Sergeant Palumbo, navikator unt Sergeant Abbot on gunz” “Eagle one, you are cleared to land but do not approach revetments until personnel check is completed--- wind calm—cleared into 110” “Eakle vhon out” “Phew Shultzie---- Rick----- zhe AMI’z are very zuzpiciouz…. “