Edwin Rommel

“Verdamt!!! Bloody robotz… Here—Heinz give me zhe remote… “ Rommel presses the remote button reading “Zuruck zur nachsten befehl” In the nearby tree-line there is suddenly a series of high pitched squeaks and after a while the two ‘flatibles appear.. the one has something in it’s jaws looking suspiciously like a torn kahki blouse… The dogs heads off towards a nearby bush and starts squeaking very exitedly…. The three soldiers run towards the bush, wildly sweeping torches finally sees what the dogs smelled… “ACH VERDAMT- UZELEZZ ROBOTIC ABORZIONZ!” In the torchlight… Donster’s barf from post 133…. “HEINZ—RESET ZHEZE THINGZ….”

“Ok—here zhey are—vhot zhetting schall vhe uze--- here iz “Kill, Search Explosives, Search Drugz, Search Wino’s, Search Bitches, Guard, Sit and roll-over?” “Vhell judgink frum zhe trackz leadink frum zhe zhellar--- uze “Search Fur Wino’z”--- Shultz—bring zhe torches unt Schmeissers—Let’z go!” Heinz promptly activates the two inflatable Alsations ™ and they start sniffing the ground around the cellar entrance but sit down in confusion after a while… “Ach Himmel—zhe schmell uf scheiss kommink frum zhe zellar must be konfuzink zhem--- Shultz….. hehehehe---- go down zhe zhellar unt get uz zhomevhot fur zhe dogz to uze…” “but--- but…but…” “SHULTZ!!!!!!!” “Goink Herr Feldmarschall” Trod trod schliiip splash mutter squelsh squelsh mutter “Ahhh—Herr Feldmarschall—vhould ein Amerikan Pilot’z Leather Helmet vork??...” “OF KOURZE !! Bring it!! Schnell!” Squelsh, squelsh mutter mutter “Hmmmm—an unbroken bottle”…squelsh trod trod… “Here you are doggiez--- now GO!” The two inflatable Alsations sniff the helmet, their eyes glow red for a moment and a little slip of printed thermal paper ejects from their mouths--- “Zhiel Bekant! Bereits!” it reads…. “NOW GO GET ZHE SCHWEIN!” The dogs pound away giving little squeals of excitement….. “Hmmmmm—zhe direczion zheemz vronk--- but let uz follow…” The trio switch on their torches and start following the receding dogs, machine pistols and greatcoats flapping in the slight breeze….

Hav guut vhon!

You mean nize rack............

Do NOT believe everyzhing you zhee in IL2-- zhey haf zhe kockpit detailz all vronk!

Nein never heard uf it.... und Ja-- ich bin dumber zhan you are....

Thatz right Arch... He vhoz alzo vhon uf zhe Barebackz in "Bareback Mountain"--

“Ach- zhat feelz much better… Shultzie—you OK?” “Ja Herr Feldmarsc………. Himmel- look at this….” The soot blackened soil is marked by a clear, if somewhat weaving set of tracks leading to nearby bushes…. “ Look—it schtarted in zhiz hole—It must haf been zhe homink beacon operator vhe bombed! Let uz find him!” “HEINZ!! GET YOUR ZHORRY ARSCH OUT UF ZHAT TURRET UNT INFLATE ZHE *AIR-DEPLOYABLE ALZATIONZ ™ -- WE HAF EIN ALLIED SCHWEIN TO CATCH!!” *The Germans found that dogs where very useful during wartime, for detecting explosives, guard duties, searching hidden objects and a number of other purposes. Unfortunately they were in short supply (war food shortages) and did not travel well in aircraft ( they “marked” everything and caused erosion of control wires etc.)- The ingenious Dr Kugelblitz found that the “essence” of dogginess could be extracted from the pineal gland of a dog and placed in a mechanical dog-robot- very effective- especially the tungsten coated teeth that could bite through thin armor plate!. The air-deployable Alsation could be deflated and re-inflated at the point where they were needed as opposed to the Wehrmacht model that were more robust with added armor plate and small tracked feet. The only problem was that the air-deployable model tended to be a bit fragile in thorny areas and the little squeaker whistles that Kugelblitz installed in place of voice chords tended to get on your nerves after a while….

Zho schtrong you krappen through zhe mouth??

Kan zhomevhon get zhe Kontinuity Manager in here to kleen up - Donzter haz barfed all over zhe plaze....

Errr DH?? Zhat vhoz veak-- even fur you....

“Fcuck!! Shultzie??—Kan you zhee anyzhink???” “Only zhe horizon Herr Rommel, but it zheemz reazonably flat here.....” “OK- hang-on!” The Me 610 sinks lower and lower, the flaps now fully extended and the undercarraige starts seeking the ground. With a tremendous bump it settles onto the ground the first time... “GHHHHHNNNNNNN......” A second time... “GGGGHHHHNNNNNN.....” A third time... “GGGHHHNNN--- pppprrrpppppppp....” “Himmel—hang on Shultzie!” Finally the air speed becomes ground speed and the Me 610 slowly rolls to a stop close to some flattened walls.... Rommel and Shultz pushes back the deployed airbags and struggles out of their harnesses and quickly evacuates the aircraft... Landing almost simultaniously, they look around quickly to find a place... “Zhere—zhere iz ein skware hole in zhe ground--- it vhill haf to do!!” Undressing in the run they head for the hole, almost immediataly squat in a back to back position and barely making it before the floodgates of.... well- the floodgates open..... all into the opening of what was Loui’s wine cellar.... “PPPPHHHRRRUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT”

Dr Katzenjammer was always fond of saying that the worst human condition to be in is when you have diarrhea and a cold together… if you cough- you sh*t and you have to concentrate not to cough the whole time…….. In the cockpit of the Me 610….. “AAAA---PHHRRHHPPPP…….tichoooo” “Ach Scheizz… AAAAA—PHHHREEEEE…… tichooo “ “Shultz??? It must be ein new poison gaz used by zhe Allied baztardz…. Konzentrate mein boy--- let uz get zhiz krate down in vhon piece—vhere iz a landing schtrip near here?- Haf you AAAAAA…… ppprr---chooo--- figured out where vhe are yet?” “PPPPPRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPP--- zhorry Herr Feldmarschalll--- vhoz nearly too late to katch zhat vhon---- Ja—vhe are near zhe French koazt in an area marked az “Louiz’z Farm”---- Ich think zhat iz vhot vhe bombed, but there are no airfieldz nearby” “If vhe do not vhont to make ein terrible mezz uf zhiz aircraft, Ich think vhe must land in zhe area kleared unt flattened by zhe bomb… phrrrrrr--- nein—you don’t!!” (This technique was later copied by the AMI’z in Vietnam with their “daisy cutters”) “PPPPP---chooo--- over zhere to zhe left…. zhum treez are schtill burnink….” The Me 610 makes a slow turn towards the coast lower landing gear and flaps at the same time…. “Zhat piece does not look to bad--- let us put it down zhere,, Shultz—keep a good look-out- vhe kannot afford to land up in ein ditch or tree or zhomevhot!” Meanwhile—Heinz in the same dire straights as Rommel and Shultz has had enough--- he traverses the front turret all the way to the right, drops his pants and sticks his bum through the entry door of the turret, now open to the cold night air…….. PPPHRAPPPPPPPPPAAApppppppp….. Slipstreams been slipstreams proceeds to paint the front of the aircraft….. including the cockpit windows….. “AAARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

No Schnow! Juzt rain-- lotz uf it!! Shultz?! FEUER Click...fizzzzz......plink......swishhhh....plop.. Zhorry Herr Rommel--- zhe powder iz vhet, unt mit all zheze ballz zhat have been frozen off, vhe have more schot zhan powder....

Vhill Germlisch filez vhork?

Thanks Spectre-- I am now educated! Errr-- vhot iz Kookle?

I meant it as a serious question-- why that name?

“Ooohh vhot iz zha….CHOO!!!” “Shhhei---- CHOO!!!” “Himme---- CHOO!!” With the wild sneezing Rommel scarcely notices the fast closing Mosquito- he only realizes that they are in trouble when the .303 tracers start ripping past the canopy. Another wild sneeze jerks the giant aircraft out of the way of the next burst. The Mosquito promptly overshoots the lumbering transport. “AAAAA--- FEUER!---- CHOOO!” Heinz desperately holding his breath and furiously twitching his nose in a lab rat imitation lets the twin 7.7 mm’s rip. The tracers follows a crazy path towards the receding black shape--- the next burst is totally wild as Heinz sneezez….

Vhe iz zhe bald schpot??

She kan schpike mein rumour klub any day!

The big Me 610 shakes in the enormous blast that flattens the French countryside below them. Several fires start, but it is the flashes of the coastal gun batteries that really catches Rommel’s attention. He turns the aircraft towards the coast… “Shultz!- Heinz! Man zhe machine gunz!” The ME 610 begins a long shallow dive towards the coast….

"Aitishoooo" "Gezundheit... vhot iz vronk Dieter, Hayfever????" "Errr-- nein-- never had it--- only think Ich know Ich bin allergic to iz pepper..." "Himmel-- it iz zhem again!! ALARM!!!!" The big searchlights of the coastal battery burst into life, turning night into day.... out to sea the now small looking submarine is caught in it's piercing glare. The thick barrels or the 203mm cannon begin a creaking traverse..... All sound seizes for a moment as the huge mouths spit tongues of fire---- after a stupifying second the sound returns with a rolling thunderclap that numbs all senses.... The huge projectiles start their supersonic travel towards the submarine.....

“AAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHHH” Gdfltz turns a bright yellow, sheds a couple of tentacles in a spontaneous stress reaction and slithers into a far corner of the OSH spacecraft. His slobbers and opens half of his 14 eyes to look at the apparition that materialized in his spacecraft again… “I do not know wh8t you are but boy you are UGLY!!!”

Karry on! Zhum Befehl!

Helmut slowly shakes his head trying to make sense of the past few moments of his life. He feels an intense yearning to pull himself into a little ball, close his eyes and never hear, smell or even think anything again. After a while he slowly open his eyes and starts peeking around- he is in some strange room, faintly feeling like it is floating, but he cannot be sure. The walls are made of some kind of dull metal, and on the table in front of him there are some undefined flashes and lights running like some bizarre type of Christmas decoration. Finally he gathers the strength to look around him… “AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGHHH”