Joke Thread (7 AUGUST 06)

[Donster]

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.

"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"

"Now that goes way back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

[Donster]

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's more embarrassing, having your mistress find out you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

[Dark Helmet]

The Sesame Street Bus

A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Bus Company.

His first day on the job, he arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out at his first passengers.

There he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother looks into the bus and says, "You're new aren't you?"

The bus driver says, "Yes ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne."

He simply can't believe his eyes - these kids are big. Really big. I mean, they're fat.

He keeps his tongue under control. She says, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus."

"No problem," he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats. He closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son. The mother looks at him and says, "You're new, aren't you?"

He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my son Josh. He's very special."

And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals.

The mother says, "My Josh is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day."

"No problem," says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up front. The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy. The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?"

He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester."

And when the driver looks at Lester, it's a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully.

The mother says, "Lester has problems with his feet." The driver nods sympathetically. The mother says, "I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall."

The driver says, "No problem," and he helps Lester limp to his seat.

And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rear view mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet.

Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn.

He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks right up to the boss and yells, "I quit!"

The boss says, "Whaddya mean, you quit?"

The bus driver replies, "There's no future in this job."

The boss says, "What are you talking about?"

The bus driver answers, "Here's my problem. How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every day would be. ...

Two obese Pattys, special Josh and Lester Cleese Picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus?"

[Schatten]

DH that was sad, just so very very sad.

Donnie on the other hand, those were pretty damn funny. LOL

[Edwin Rommel]

Oeeeerrrrrr.... DH you vhill haf to improve dein tjokez, ozzervhize you vhill looze dein only fan....

Dein zhenze uf humour izt almozt...... vhell.... Tjerman?

[Shepherd]

[Whizkid]

You mean I wasted ten minutes reading all of Toilet Head's so-called joke? I really must raise my sights where it comes to humor! God,that was awful!!

[Dark Helmet]

You mean I wasted ten minutes reading all of Toilet Head's so-called joke?

It took you ten minutes to read it? Cripes you must be older than I thought. Maybe you can borrow the lenses from the Hubble telecope to help you see. I hear they aren't using it right now.

I really must raise my sights where it comes to humor! God,that was awful!!

Raise your sights?...I bet you can hardly raise your arms!

[Itchie Crotchie]

It took you ten minutes to read it? Cripes you must be older than I thought. Maybe you can borrow the lenses from the Hubble telecope to help you see. I hear they aren't using it right now.

Raise your sights?...I bet you can hardly raise your arms!

HAAAHAAAHAAAA! That Dalk Hermet learry clack me up! Hubbre terescope for ord falt Ulinereakkid!

[Stans]

Oeeeerrrrrr.... DH you vhill haf to improve dein tjokez, ozzervhize you vhill looze dein only fan....

Dein zhenze uf humour izt almozt...... vhell.... Tjerman?

Let'z nicht get too karried avay und schtart konziderink zhe black brain buket ein Tjerman. Ich zhink he might be vone or two khromozomes schy uf zuch zuperiority.

[Whizkid]

It took you ten minutes to read it? Cripes you must be older than I thought. Maybe you can borrow the lenses from the Hubble telecope to help you see. I hear they aren't using it right now.

Raise your sights?...I bet you can hardly raise your arms!

Strange how the lower classes always revert to childish humor when they know they have nothing to say,what?

[Whizkid]

An elderly couple go to the Doctor for a physical exam. The doctor asks the

husband if he can still function sexually.

"I certainly can," the old man said proudly. "But I have a problem."

"What's that, sir?" asked the doctor.

"Well," replied to old man, "The first time I have sex I feel all hot and sweaty, but the second time I get all cold and chilly."

The doctor hadn't an explanation for the old man and was, frankly, surprised that he could do it twice. The doctor then sees the wife. After examining the elderly wife, he said, "Everything appears to be fine with you, but I am concerned about your husband. He says that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Crazy old codger," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is

in December!"

[Stans]