Joke thread for February 3, 2007

[Stans]

If you have kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will make you chuckle.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of his lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "Come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my Gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought I said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this

sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?")

By now the rest of the family had gather to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wonderous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to making much progress", I noted.

"Its breech", my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should we call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?")

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breath," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, prefectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact that isn't EVER going to happen..Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um... um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming

affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just..that..I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little.. " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Then she muttered:

"Two lizards... $140...

One cage... $50...

Trip to the Vet... $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!"

Moral of the story- stay in school and finish biology class- LIZARDS LAY EGGS!!

[Donster]

[Donster]

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him.

The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

[Stans]

[Donster]

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

[Dark Helmet]

The British anthropologist was doing some research in an isolated African village, and the local tribal leader asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon. "I think you'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we've copied your country's legal procedures. You see, we have read the accounts of many English trials in your newspapers."

When the scientist arrived at the crudely constructed courthouse, he was indeed amazed at how closely the African court officials resembled those of his native land. Both counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists, each arguing his case with eloquence and proper judicial propriety. But he couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare- breasted tribal girl who ran through the crowd waving her arms frantically.

After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What was the purpose of having a semi-nude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"

"We were careful to copy every detail," replied the tribal chieftain, "and all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials invariably mention something about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery."

[JClark]

DH, every now and then you come up with a good one...now I got to clean my monitor

Boats

[Red]

[Whizkid]

DH, every now and then you come up with a good one...now I got to clean my monitor

Boats

You're right, Boats, but they're so few and far between that I don't recognize 'em any more!........... DH, keep trying, you could be onto a good thing!

[Whizkid]

Stans............... 8

Donnie............. 8

DH....................3 ( That's so old!)

[Stans]

An 8? What do I have to do to rate a 10? Recite something like:

There was an Old Man of Nantucket

Who kept all his cash in a bucket

His daughter, named Nan,

Ran away with a man--

And, as for the bucket, Nantucket

Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket

(The man and the girl with the bucket)

And he said to the man,

"You're welcome to Nan,"

But as for the bucket, Pawtucket

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset

Where he still held the cash as an asset

And Nan and the man

stole the money and ran

And as for the bucket, Manhasset

[Dark Helmet]

You're right, Boats, but they're so few and far between that I don't recognize 'em any more!........... DH, keep trying, you could be onto a good thing!

Kind of like your sex life eh Limpkid?