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Tuesday Funny


Whizkid
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WOE IS ME ! ! !

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for nearly half an hour when this big trouble-making biker dude steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on, man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd start crying! I can't stand to see a grown man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life!" says the little guy between his sobs. "I can't do anything right! I overslept, and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me! When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance! I grabbed a cab home, but after the cab had left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab! At home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and my dog bit me! So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink my damn poison ! ! !"

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NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and

beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes

her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks

down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies

out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly

back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd 'bout that there 'Hind Lick Manuver', but

I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Hey, that's too close to home! :(

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A woman gets on a bus holding a baby and the driver looks at it and then at her..

"my life, that's the ugliest baby I have ever seen dear!"

The woman fills up with tears and takes a seat next to a Minister

"why are you crying my child?" he askes..

"That driver just insulted me!"

"I think you should go down there and tell him that your feelings are hurt and that his comments were totally inappropriate...I'll hold your monkey for you!"

:)

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A woman gets on a bus holding a baby and the driver looks at it and then at her..

"my life, that's the ugliest baby I have ever seen dear!"

The woman fills up with tears and takes a seat next to a Minister

"why are you crying my child?" he askes..

"That driver just insulted me!"

"I think you should go down there and tell him that your feelings are hurt and that his comments were totally inappropriate...I'll hold your monkey for you!"

:)

:lol:

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