Donster Posted August 20, 2008 Report Share Posted August 20, 2008 The Wisdom of Golf "I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart." - Buddy Hackett It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling." - Mark Twain "One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball." - Don Carter, pro bowler "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald Ford "The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing," - Phyllis Diller "I'm very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd be doing. If my IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a plant somewhere." - Lee Trevino "Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink." - Bob Hope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted August 20, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2008 Football: The Differences in the North and the South WOMEN'S ACCESSORIES North: Chap stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, water-proof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary; that's what dates are for. STADIUM SIZE North: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people. South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000 people. FATHERS North: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. CAMPUS DECOR North: Statues of founding fathers. South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners. HOMECOMING QUEEN North: Also a physics major. South: Also Miss USA HEROES North: Mario Cuomo South: Paul "Bear" Bryant GETTING TICKETS North: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets. South: 5 months before the game walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets after you donate $5 K to the Athletic Fund. FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME North: Students and teacher are not sure if they are going to the game, because they have classes on Friday. South: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class. PARKING North: An hour before game time the University open the campus for game parking. South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday. GAME DAY North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus. TAILGATING North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Hootie and the Blowfish," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon. GETTING TO THE STADIUM North: You ask "Where's the stadium?". When you find it, you walk right in. South: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city. CONCESSIONS North: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda. South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it. Filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon. WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED North: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up. South: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect 3-part harmony. THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE North: Nothing changes. South: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon. COMMENTARY (MALE) North: "Nice play." South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!" COMMENTARY (FEMALE) North: "My, this certainly is a violent sport." South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!" ANNOUNCERS North: Neutral and paid. South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. AFTER THE GAME North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. South: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whizkid Posted August 20, 2008 Report Share Posted August 20, 2008 North: At half time, 80% of the crowd text message their buddies about the game. South: What's a text message? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JClark Posted August 20, 2008 Report Share Posted August 20, 2008 You forgot about the Bear taking his duck for a walk across the lake.... Boats Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted August 20, 2008 Report Share Posted August 20, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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