Donster Posted February 4, 2005 Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes" said the girl. When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. "Go and get help" he cried . "But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl. "Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly" She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted February 4, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred. All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted February 4, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 Queen...the early years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted February 4, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 Whizkid Joke of the Day... You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?" "I am 78." Whizkid said. "78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." Whizzer explained. "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted February 4, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 Religious Joke of the Day... A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backward. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest said, "I am a father". The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear is collar like that". The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the father of many". The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grand children and he doesn't wear his collar that way". The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted February 4, 2005 Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted February 4, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk... Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted February 4, 2005 Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 So true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Helmet Posted February 4, 2005 Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 Bad Joke of...well you know what it is... Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted February 4, 2005 Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 AGH! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whizkid Posted February 4, 2005 Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 I just hate it when Donnie eavedrops on private talk between my wife and I! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whizkid Posted February 4, 2005 Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 25 SIGNS YOU HAVE (ugh) FINALLY GROWN UP 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and! your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM! 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM! would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No105_Archie Posted February 4, 2005 Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 OH CRAP.......I've grown up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted February 4, 2005 Report Share Posted February 4, 2005 Yeah, me too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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