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Incident of the Savage Smell

Old Guy

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Donnie gets no respect, especially from me. He never gets the girl either, but I can't do anything about that. I CAN write up one of his TRUE ADVENTURES as DANGEROUS DONNIE, arch-fiend and criminal mastermind.

Well, maybe not a mastermind. Anyway, here's Donnie.


Incident of the Savage Smell

"We've done it, Commander! We've captured Dangerous Donnie."

Commander Archie Amiable sighed and continued reading his reprint G-8 and His Battle Aces

comic book. Eventually Detective Dude quit bouncing off the walls and plopped into a chair.

"Dangerous Donnie," piped the Dude. "And it's only my first week as a detective."

Archie nodded sagely. "Are you sure it's him? Lots of Donnie wannabes out there."

Dude's face fell. "Wannabes? Really, sir? I knew about the groupies, but -- ."

"Never mind that," rumbled Archie. "How did you catch this purported Donnie?"

"We got him at the Luscious Lingerie Shoppe, sir."

"Is that a Shop or a Shoppe?" Archie spelled the two words. "Makes a difference, you know."

"It's Shoppe, sir. Just down the street."

"Yes." The Commander regretfully closed his comic. "Well, you'd better show me."

Dude bounced up, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "He's trapped in a back room at the -- uh -- Shoppe, sir. We're not about to enter the room just yet."

"I shouldn't wonder. They don't call him Dangerous for nothing." Archie produced a cigar and started to light up, then thought better of it. He tucked the cigar and lighter away.

"Good on you, sir," said Dude. "There's no smoking in the Shoppe."

"I know that, Detective. Been in there a few times myself."

"Hah! Yes, sir. Buying something for the little woman, no doubt?"

The Commander frowned. "Not a bad idea, that. Keep her from using mine."

Dude didn't speak again until they entered the Luscious Lingerie Shoppe. "Officer Stag is in the alley, sir. Donnie won't be able to escape that way. Besides, we boarded up the window. He'd have to smash his way out."

"Is Stag in uniform?"

"Ah -- no, sir. He's undercover. In his usual Army field jacket, pink western shirt, cut off pants, and brogans."

"Well, let's hope he doesn’t get picked up for loitering."

A uniformed officer sat in a chair in front of a door labeled Fitting Room. He jerked awake as the two men approached. "No trouble so far," he said, rubbing his eyes. "Nary a peep outta the perp, har--har."

Archie extended his hand. "Har-Har Joker, ain't it? I'd know that belly laugh anywhere."

Joker grinned. "Knowed you'd remember ole Har-Har." He looked at the junior detective. "Me 'n the C'mander worked the Red Light district back when we was pups."

Dude managed a wooden smile. "Thank you, Officer Joker. Why don't you go relieve Stag? He'd probably appreciate a break."

"I'll give 'im a break," said Joker, clicking his false teeth. "I'll break wind in his general direction, har -- har." The cop chuckled all the way to the sidewalk. He headed across the street."

"Headed for Clancy's," said Dude. "He spends a lot of time there."

Archie decided not to tell Dude about the string of girls Har-Har had working out of Clancy's. The lad was a bit too straitlaced for that sort of thing. "How did you capture Donnie?"

"Simple as pie, sir. We made sure he received an email notice of a job here at Luscious."

"A job? In a lingerie shop?"

"Uh -- that's Shoppe, sir. We felt the job would bring him on the run. As it did."

"What job?" Archie glanced around. "Stock clerk? He'd like fondling the merchandise."

"Oh he wanted to fondle, sir. The job was Bra Fitter."

For a moment Archie couldn't speak. Finally he managed to blurt out, "Brilliant! First rate! Who thought that up?"

"Well -- I did, sir."

"Good show, lad. A simple idea for simple blokes, that's what I always say." He regarded the Fitting Room door. "Stout door, boarded up the window. What's in the room? Besides Donnie, I mean."

"Um -- ." Dude flipped through his notebook. "Two chairs, a side table, mirror above the table, a shelf for stock, two rugs -- um -- on the floor, sir."

"That's it?"

"There is a shop vac stored in one corner, sir. Nothing of interest to us."

"Nothing of int -- ." Archie fell silent. A whining noise filled the room. Without speaking, the Commander pointed at the base of the door. "Look!" he hissed. Dust puffed. The two men felt a slight movement of air.

"He's reversed the vacuum!" cried Archie. "Made it into a blower. Come on!" He started for the door. "He'll fart into the intake! Run for it!" A thunderous explosion shook the building.

"Here, sir. I'll just block the gap under the door." Dude grabbed a handful of plastic packages filled with baby doll nightgowns in assorted colors.

"Are you mad?" Archie paused at the door. "Come on, man!"

"Surely there's no danger, sir." Dude knelt down and tried to stuff one of the packages under the door. The plastic began to melt. The toes of his spit-shined shoes curled up and split. His hands turned brown.

"Aaaaaaahhhh!" The junior detective scrambled back, dragging long strands of plastic. "My eyes! My eyes!" Shoes falling to pieces, trouser legs shredding, Dude crashed backwards into a display case. With a last wail of agony, he hit the floor with a sodden thud.

The Commander slammed the entrance door and sprinted across the street. Stag was already there, waiting in front of Clancy's. "What happened to the kid?"

"Forget him," panted Archie. "He didn't have a chance. Last I saw he was covered in brown mold and lying in a pile of broken glass and black crotchless panties. He's done for."

A muffled boom echoed along the street. "Inside," ordered the Commander. "Donnie just blew the door off the Fitting Room."

"It's a wonder he ain't killed himself," said Stag.

"He's an artist. Lets the gas concentration drop to a point where it will generate a powerful but harmless blast. He even carries ear plugs to protect his ears. His clothes are specially made to resist the corrosive elements in his farts. Oh, he's good."

The artist in question stepped out of the Luscious Lingerie Shoppe, or what was left of it, looked both ways, then sprinted down the street.

"Let's get 'im," cried Stag.

Archie steadied the lad. "Let's step inside for a beer instead. It's still lethal out there. Especially within fifty feet of Dangerous Donnie."

"Too bad about Dude," said Stag as he sipped his beer.

"It is," agreed Archie. "It'll be a closed casket funeral, count on it. That brown mold -- ." He shook his head sadly.

"Made of mess of him, I'll warrant."

"Made a mess, all right. I was thinking of buying some of those black crotchless things."


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Har har! You peeps will never capture me! Poor Dude. He owed me so much, for so little. Have to see how much cash and oil shale land he left Gail.

Funny you mention Bra Fitter. I use The Schwartz mind power to unlatch bras without use of my hands. Very handy. No pun intended. Makes for quick placement of both my hands on those unsuspecting boobies! boobies-1.gif

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