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New assignments for the leaders of the New World Order


Emperor
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I have grown weary of the bickering and I am greatly disappointed with the performance and actions of the leaders of my New World Order.

Your tactics have been ineffective and you have not shown any capacity for altering your tactics to achieve victory.

You are more interested in fighting amongst yourselves and attaining personal glory than in carrying out my will.

I recognize the fact that you demonstrated blind devotion to me, therefore I will not destroy you.

Instead, I am suspending you from your commands.

In my New World Order, everyone must contribute to society. so I have found jobs for each of you in your previous fields of employment.

Achmed: I found another taxi cab driver position for you. Unfortunately this job is not in New York City nor is it in your current area of residence, Newark, New Jersey. This job is in Birmingham, Alabama. It was the best I could do for you. I hope you will be able to adjust and blend in.

Soren Fick: I was unable to have you reinstated as a clerk in the comic book store. The owner said he would rather die a thousand deaths than to rehire you. The best I was able to do for you is a job as the janitor in a Cleveland, Ohio adult theater. They seemed to be desperate to hire anyone to fill that job.

Itchie Crotchie: You fared better. I was able to have you re-employed by your previous employer. They said you were sorely missed. You are to immediately return to your job as a towel boy in that San Francisco bath house.

Dark Helmet: I could not find a previous employment record for you. Apparently you have never held a real job. Do not fear as I have found a job for you. You will go to Mexico City, Mexico where you will test experimental drugs. You will not be a supervisor, you will be the recipient of these experimental drugs. Good luck.

Eric Weiss: As the only leader here who has not disappointed me you will retain your position as leader of the European division of my New World Order. Your secretive and silent efforts to undermine the governments of Europe have proven to be of great value.

If any of you are dissatisfied with the opportunities I have found for you, you may resign from my New World Order. Resignation will mean an end to all protections by and opportunities within the New World Order. To be perfectly clear, that means you will become peasant class and your survival will depend solely upon your ability to find jobs and remain employed.

I will be watching all of you. If you choose to accept the jobs I have provided for you and if you do them very well and demonstrate the capacity to learn and adapt, I may entertain the idea of promoting you into higher positions within my New World Order.

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Well now, let me break this all down for yall.

Achmed - I give him half an hour, give or take before he is a hood ornament.

Flicker - Don't bend over. Or do however you roll.

Titchie - See Flicker

Black Brain Bucket - Get's to go back to La-La Land.

That is all.

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Vell zank you zo much, but i'm avfraid , I von't be be villing to hang vith you Dumbkopfs! You zee i have been too long hangkink arounds zee North Amerika, und zince i.ve been to vegaz vell you know, zee new vorld order izst kaput from vhat i zee. Itz juzt too much fun here und I've aquired zee land und Maine, und zee vinterz remind me vhen i vaz a kinder und Austria, Zo zanks but no zankz herr Emperor! Unds everyvun Ve vill party like itz 1939 at mine Villa in Maine! HORRIDO!

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Well it's turning into a better morning than I figured on. Old Guy is back! The New World Oder is wafting away, their Emperor needs a new job since WalMart turned him down, and some sexy Nancy Sinatra to watch. She couldn't sing a lick, but she sure was sumpthin' to look at back in the day.

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Himmel! Zhis offer ist nicht akzeptable to ein oberfuhrer zutch az meinselbst. Ich tjoin Herr Weiss und vrezign from zhis bad tjoke. Ich hav entjoyed zervink Zhe Emperor but zhis new duty ist unakzeptable und Ich kan do bezzer on mein own. Hav gute day und zhanks for all zhe memoriez.

Heil!

ps: If zhe mozt honorable Emperor chanjes hiz mind, you hav mein kontakt informazion. Juzt kall me.

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Soren Fick, your resignation is accepted. Good luck with your miserable life. You can expect no aid from my New World Order. Do not hold your breath awaiting a call from me.

Erik Weiss, your resignation is rejected. I cannot allow an agent of change who has served my cause so well to resign. Instead, you may consider yourself to be retired with honors. I am sorry to advise you that there is no pension plan, but perhaps we can send you some medals and ribbons that you can wear on your overcoat.

I am waiting to hear from Dark Helmet, Achmed, and Itchie Crotchie. I will give you lazy sods 24 hours to accept or reject my offer. If you fail to respond then your decision to reject the offer will have been made.

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Emperor,

Since you don't appreciate all that I have done for you and for The New World Order®, screw you! Nobody tells Dark Helmet what to do that he doesn't want to do. Watch your wrinkled ass, because I have The Schwartz, and I know how to use it.

Sincerely,

Dark Helmet

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What the fluck? I forrow Empelol Hilohito fol ten yeals and endule 20 totar skin glaft sulgulies in seclet camp in China, now I 96 yeals ord and now new Empelol files my scaled alse? Itchie noie get a flucking bleak! Stalting to berieve that Empelol Papertine palt of 1%! I getting to ord fol this shlit! Itchie no rike Sanflansico! Furl of sissy boys and gilrs that rook rike guys!

Begin to rook rike Hali-kali is best way out...

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Nol wollies IchieSan! we arways need men's bath house creaning staff in my pagoda. a job waits fol you! you ale my favolite cousin-san!

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Dark Helmet and Itchie Crotchie, your resignations are accepted. In consideration for the disrespect you are now showing, I feel I must advise you to watch your backs. I do not appreciate disrespect and I may exact revenge.

Achmed, are you killing yourself in order to exit my New World Order or as an act of attonement so that you may remain a part of my New World Order? Your cryptic, 7th century CE language is often difficult to interpret.

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