Joke Thread 03-18-05

[Donster]

One day, Stans died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Stans decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Stag up ahead. Stag was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Stag, Stans asked him what was going on. Stag replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more than you did." They both shook their heads and figured that, as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Stans, Stag and their two beastly women were walking along one day, minding their own business when Stans and Stag could have sworn they saw their friend Donster up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel-centerfold woman. Stunned, Stans and Stag approached the man and in fact, it was their friend Donster. They asked him how is it that he is with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these digustingly awful women.

Donster replied, "I have no idea and I'm definitely not complaining! This has been positively the best time of my life (and I'm dead!) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing I can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself "Damn income taxes!"

[Dark Helmet]

A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.

"That looks nasty," says the doctor.

"Nasty?!?" replies the man, "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

[Edwin Rommel]

Groan..........

[geg]

ROFL@both

[Stans]

First joke:

Dark Helmet's joke:

[Stans]

And here is some competition for Dark Helmet.

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone." He was so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name. Then one day a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after an absence of many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone!"

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest and there he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, and the next night--but Yellow Bird would not die!

What is the moral of this story?????............................

OH, come on...take a guess!

Think about it

And the moral is

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...You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!

[No105_Archie]

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!

[Dark Helmet]

Well done One Stone..ah..I mean Stans!

[Itchie Crotchie]

Raff my rass off at Donstel joke! As fol Dalk Hermet, I have unrused Samalai swold you can kirr youlserf with.

[Itchie Crotchie]

Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house.

The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have unpreasant news fol you. Youl wife is dishonoling you. I saw hel the othel night and she was out with anothel man."

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foleignel who appeals to be of the Jewish faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you ale dishonoling me with a foleignel of the Jewish faith".

She replies, "That's a lie! Whele did you heal such meshugas?"

[Stans]

[Whizkid]

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, him had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib over hauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.

[Donster]

LOL! Smart snake!

[Stans]

Good moonshine is good! I have had some a couple of times and you can get real messed up real fast, but it tastes sooooo good!