Donster Posted June 16, 2005 Report Share Posted June 16, 2005 Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell. Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road. Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand." Pa obliged. A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" So he kisses her. A little further along, she says. "Pa..." "Damn it. Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the cucumbers and sit on the melons!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted June 16, 2005 Report Share Posted June 16, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whizkid Posted June 16, 2005 Report Share Posted June 16, 2005 HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will NOT make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a lot of naps and spend a lot of time in a recliner. ____________________________________ Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: What does a cow eat? (Hay and corn) And what are these? (Vegetables) So a steak is nothing more than condensed vegetables that we call "meat". So, if you need grain . . . eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of green leafy vegetables. And . . . a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetables. Isn't that simple? ____________________________________ Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from . . . fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! ____________________________________ Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one-to-one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two-to-one, etc. ____________________________________ Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Are you kidding? What advantages? Regular exercise is just asking for trouble. Don't believe all the hype about exercise. Who gives you those so-called facts, anyway? Here's who: Manufacturers of exercise machines, also gyms and spas that want to sell you memberships, and doctors--who want you to have physical problems so they can get medical fees. Think of the exercise questions like this: "No pain . . . No sweat . . . No exercise . . . that's good!" ____________________________________ Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: When newspapers and TV tell you fried foods are bad for you, that's just marketing lies they publish because they want you to get sick so you'll just stay home and watch more TV and read more newspapers. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. Vegetable oils are made of the life-blood of vegetables. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Think of it this way: getting vegetable oil in your body is like putting oil in your car. Can you imagine what damage would be done to your car if it didn't have lots of oil? ____________________________________ Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a big stomach. ____________________________________ Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Bad? Of course not! Chocolate if wonderful for you--and, the more the better. Why? Because chocalate comes from cocoa beans -- which is, just another vegetable! Chocolate may be the best and most complete food you can put in your body. Think of it this way: The Hershey company and Nestle company are health food companies and they are our friends. ____________________________________ Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, please explain whales and rhinos to me. ____________________________________ Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ____________________________________ Well, that's the end of our health class. Hopefully, this information has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Please pass this along to your friends -- especially those who may be torturing themselves with exercise programs and diets. Let them know that they have been brain-washed and they need to stop suffering. Read next month's column on: "The Healthiest foods of all: Fast Foods, Ice Cream, Chocolate and Animal and Dairy products." Don't miss it. It can add years to your life and it's lots more fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted June 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2005 LOL @ Whizzer! Good one! Especially the swimming/figure one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted June 16, 2005 Report Share Posted June 16, 2005 Advice to live by! Hmmm.... I think it's time for a nap.... right after I finish this beer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shepherd Posted June 16, 2005 Report Share Posted June 16, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts