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Just for you Southern boys!


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Redneck IQ Test

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane

(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle

© '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many long-neck Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. In Arkansas, a man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?

'Betcha thought that test was gonna' be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just shows to go you . . . there's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.

Here's a Southerly tip that may help next time you're too drunk to drive -- walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.

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1) It doesn't matter really, a 12 gauge will take any limb off that's of the proper size to hold that large of a mammal, not that I seen many climbing possums in my day.

2) Depends on the climate, in the desert Soutwest none of 'em, in Georgia the Ford Fairlane.

3) 20 gallons per hour? That's a big friggin' still. Uncle should be more worried about hiding it from Boss Hogg and Roscoe than trying to get that capacity.

4) That's a 3 day job, so a case per day per guy that you brought to "help". Or...as many as we brought. Plus I don't think you could get that many pine trees on an acre of land...

5) Who cares, Global Warming is a Good Thing. ;)

6) None, a hound dog can reasonably fall 2 feet without injury.

7) Doubtful, unless they graded the blocks under the appliances they'd probably tumble and make a heap somewhere in the middle of the yard.

8) Slim to none.

9) 12.

10) 17.75 years.

And I have done the pizza delivery trick before...


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6) None, a hound dog can reasonably fall 2 feet without injury.

Trick question...real rednecks keep the hound dogs stored under the structure. So the dog don't fall, he gits crushed like my old dog Bubba-Joe when the Camaro fell off the blocks on him when he was chasing a rabbit under.

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