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U.S. braces for Hurricane Akbar


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July 11, 2005

U.S. braces for Hurricane Akbar

By John Breneman, WTFNews

A dangerous al-Qaeda affiliate calling itself the al-Roker Umbrella Jihad has issued a statement claiming responsibility for Hurricane Dennis.

"Florida is now burning with fear and terror, from north to south, east to west," the group said. "The next one, Hurricane Akbar, will be a Category 4 storm aimed at Washington, D.C., or perhaps Tallahassee."

President Bush responded by pledging to bomb as many clouds as necessary to defeat "this weather of mass destruction." Regarding the group's threat of future ill winds, Mr. Bush said, "Bring 'em on."

The president declared Florida a "major disaster area" and plans to send millions in federal disaster relief funds down to his brother Jeb, the governor. He once again rejected calls from his critics to declare Iraq a major disaster area.

The Department of Homeland Security warned there is evidence of a high-pressure system gathering in the Middle East and the CIA reportedly has intercepted some "chatter" that Iran is working an advanced weapons system capable of delivering a barrage of 120-millimeter, armor-piercing hail stones.

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff is urging Americans to be extra vigilant against tornados, sand storms and tsunamis.

Tomorrow's forecast calls for a 60 percent chance of terror, prompting noted blues meteorologist and "Hurricane" expert Bob Dylan to observe, "You don't need a weatherman to know which way the war blows."


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