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How to Poo at work


Shepherd
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Weve all been there but dont like to admit it. Weve all

kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something

brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves

otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate

pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking

a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the

smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but

doesnt know where it came from. Be careful when you do

this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.

Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your

pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in

and check for other pooers. If there are others in the

bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to

become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if

they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a

sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do

not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are

standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did

not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable

for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

parties feel

uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a

hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in

the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare

everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the

water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to

stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught

doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you

have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very

uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As

with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not

exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER

A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You

will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom

with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always

look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer

before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency

pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to

monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and

identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you

can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly

of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer

of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most

shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking

a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the

Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all

uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom

that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a

WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very

effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd

Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove

all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire

, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in

peace.

WATERMELON

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a

Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in

the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using

Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could

spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or

sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax

while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when

the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the

other bathroom attendees.

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