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Joke Thread (31 AUGUST 05)


Dark Helmet
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A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination.

After he had completed his tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding."

"Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked.

"Because, Miss," said the doctor sternly, "I don't believe in specs before marriage."

:P

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A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus.

Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her......

"I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says......

"Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

:D

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Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents and managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. She was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'

And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

:D

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