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Lord unveils plan to cut non-essential humans

Citing a burgeoning, unruly populace and dwindling natural resources, God today unveiled a plan to streamline the operations of Planet Earth Inc. by eliminating an estimated 30 million positions.

A PR spokesman for the Lord said He is "sick and tired" of humans abusing His bountiful creation and breaking all Ten Commandments as if they weren't even etched in stone.

"'Thou shalt not kill' just doesn't resonate with the modern generation today," said Ward O'DeLord. "We're thinking of changing it to, 'Don't friggin' kill each other you morons.'"

Man's self-destructive behavior, it seems, has put the Heavenly Boss man in a smiting mood.

"The hurricanes are just the beginning. The Big Guy just goes like this," said DeLord, pursing his lips and blowing a puff of air. "Oh, there's gonna be tsunamis, pestilence, 40 days and 40 nights of monsoon acid rain. He's considering a Category 5 locust infestation on Wall Street."

A source close to God's assistant undersecretary for human affairs said certain categories of people are targeted to receive a lightning bolt in the ass, among them psychopaths, pedophile priests and terrorist nimrods.

As part of the downsizing, arrogant politicians and corporate criminals around the world will be getting the old cardiac pink slip.

The Celestial Enquirer is reporting that the Omniscient One's long-term vision calls for a United Nations-like governmental and economic agency led by a bipartisan coalition of chimps and dolphins.


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