Donster Posted October 13, 2005 Report Share Posted October 13, 2005 Bumper snicker: To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither is Marine Corps policy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shepherd Posted October 13, 2005 Report Share Posted October 13, 2005 Amen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted October 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2005 The Top 5 Reasons Your Home Office Is Not Working Out Unlike your co-workers, your kids are smart enough not to buy your cover story of "naughty copier elves" when they find your butt-scans. Every office has at least one total a-hole, and you're the only one there. You do the math. Productivity has dropped now that *you're* the target of your sexual-harrassment shenanigans, as you're having to take multiple masturbation breaks a day. Distracted by all the weeds, horses and wide-open spaces, you just nominated Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. Your wife is starting to resent being referred to as "that slut in Accounting." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shepherd Posted October 13, 2005 Report Share Posted October 13, 2005 That is too funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted October 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2005 Did you hear about the woman that had a sea shell tatooed on her thigh ?If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shepherd Posted October 13, 2005 Report Share Posted October 13, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted October 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2005 WAL-MART APPLICATION This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!! NAME: William Stiller (but I like to be called "Stallion") SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! After sex - yes! During sex - not sure! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shepherd Posted October 13, 2005 Report Share Posted October 13, 2005 Well he had nothing to loose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted October 13, 2005 Report Share Posted October 13, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whizkid Posted October 14, 2005 Report Share Posted October 14, 2005 Cab driver picks up a Nun. He can't stop staring at her. She asks why is he staring. "I... would answer but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "Dear man, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me." "Thanks for being so frank with me; let's see what we can do about this fantasy of yours: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." "Sister!--I am single; and I 'm Catholic too!" "OK then," the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley." He does and his fantasy is fulfilled with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they both find their composure and drive on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear fellow," said the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned: I lied. I must also confess... I'm married and I'm not Catholic." "That's perfectly okay because my name is Bill and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted October 14, 2005 Report Share Posted October 14, 2005 Classic, but the one I heard went way beyond just a kiss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whizkid Posted October 14, 2005 Report Share Posted October 14, 2005 Classic, but the one I heard went way beyond just a kiss. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Yeah,but this came from my Pastor! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted October 14, 2005 Report Share Posted October 14, 2005 Ahhh, the rated PG version. The version I heard was most definitely rated NC-17. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shepherd Posted October 14, 2005 Report Share Posted October 14, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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