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Funny Whether They Are Real or Not


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Funny air traffic controllers quotes

Real (allegedly) funny air traffic controllers conversations

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:

"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at

35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard

the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing

bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify

yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not

f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one

o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted

to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out

after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right

turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take

the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to

the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet

fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter

pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich

overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start

clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak

in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German

airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another

plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern

702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of

the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned

around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the

DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make

it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,

came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing

like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's

gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from

them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the

following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways

747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear

of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground:

"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by,

Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant

impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I

didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air

flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 747. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US

Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you

to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right

there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,

but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now

shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take

forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell

you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour

and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I

tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled

crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell

terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to

chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Well, some of those are true, some not. But they're all funny.

This one is true:

Most controllers (in my day) wore their mike switch on their belt. Naturally, the more -- ah -- mature controllers would sometimes accidently key their mike with that beer and pretzel overhang sedentary types often develop.

One evening a controller was working a T-33 out east of Denver. The T-bird driver was being a ###### for some reason. Now, the pilots among you may be shocked to hear this, but controllers often have two conversations with aircraft -- one with the mike keyed and one when it's not keyed.

The controller in this instance keyed his mike, answered one of the pilot's annoying transmissions, unkeyed, then leaned over to pick up a pencil he'd dropped. As he bent down, he muttered, "F*ckhead."

Naturally, his mike keyed just as he spoke.

There was dead silence for a moment, then the T-33 pilot (the only aircraft on the frequency) said, "Say again, Center."

The controller looked at his neighbor, who had heard the whole thing, and responded with, "Ah . . . ducks ahead. Twelve o'clock. Migrating ducks in a flock. Altitude unknown."

The T-bird was low enough to make the call possible. In any event the pilot never filed a complaint.



PATCO survivor, Denver ARTCC, 1969-1981

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