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Joke thread for Feb 17, 2006


Stans
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Little Johnny told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," he answered innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"he explained, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

:D

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After many years of marriage, a wife tells her husband that she wants to make love like an Olympic athlete.

Her husband is exhilarated and excited by this news.

He says, "Do you mean long and steady like a marathon runner?"

"No," she says.

"Do you mean explosive and exciting like a 100-metre sprinter?"

"No," says his wife again.

"Do you mean graceful and beautiful like a woman gymnast?"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"Then darling, what do you mean when you say you want to make love like an Olympic athlete?"

"Once every four years," says his wife.

:D

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There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the roopes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

:P

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After many years of marriage, a wife tells her husband that she wants to make love like an Olympic athlete.

Her husband is exhilarated and excited by this news.

He says, "Do you mean long and steady like a marathon runner?"

"No," she says.

"Do you mean explosive and exciting like a 100-metre sprinter?"

"No," says his wife again.

"Do you mean graceful and beautiful like a woman gymnast?"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"Then darling, what do you mean when you say you want to make love like an Olympic athlete?"

"Once every four years," says his wife.

:D

Sad, but true. <_<

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DH, that joke is soooooooo old and stale. Hell I was telling that back when I still had two good knees...jeesh.

Why don't you dig up Henny Youngman and get some new material?

I thought he had! :popcornsmilie:

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A Story of King Arthur.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly!

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[monotone] Actually I am the most boring person you could ever hope to meet. I'm more depressing than Marvin, the depressed robot from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the book, I've not seen the movie, so I don't know if the movie character is true to the book). [/monotone] <_<

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Stans,

It's not your fault, it's just that planet-sized brain you've got!

Did I ever tell you my wife met Douglas Adams and had him sign our copy of the "The Guide"? It's one of our most treasured possessions.

No, I do not recall you telling me that! Congratulations! The Hitchhiker's Guide trilogy, all four books, was just side splitingly funny.

Oh, and I don't have a planet sized brain, just a planet sized head filled with rocks. :D

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