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Joke thread for Feb 20, 2006


Stans
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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

"Yes, and my Mom says it's a b!tch to iron."

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:lol: @ Stans!

Stuff you don't want to hear during surgery...

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness...

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

Wait a minute--if that's his spleen, then what's this?

Hand me that... uh... that, um.... thingie

Has anyone seen my Rolex?

Uh-oh! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody--stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff.

Cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!

:D

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Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the

beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's

worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also,

since he lost his job four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new

one.

All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and shoots the breeze

with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our

daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and

hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore. You're a United

States Senator from New York for Christ's sake! Act like one.

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change

for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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