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Cedar Rapids may not survive . . .


Old Guy
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So . . . my boss comes around and says, "I want you to attend a conference in Des Moines." He looks at my wall calendar. "March 15 and 16. I was going to go, but something has come up."

"But . . ." I stood up and stared at the calendar, counting on my fingers. "That's less than three weeks away!"

"I know." He backs out the door. "I knew you'd leap at the chance."

Well, hell. Too late to get plane tickets and, besides, it's only a little over 600 miles. I can drive.

Then I realize that's the week of spring vaction and my wife is off work and Veronica is out of school.

Maybe they can go along. At least I'd have company while driving across the FLAT LANDS.

Note how I talk myself into accepting a trip to the midwest in winter.

Charlotte thinks it will be a neat trip. Blonde is a state of mind, not a hair color.

I get out the map. "Where is Des Moines anyway?" Horrors. "My God. It's in Iowa."

"No way," says Veronica. "I'm going down to stay with my aunt that week."

"Iowa?" My wife tries desparately to think of an excuse to stay home. She fails.

I notice something else on the map. "Hey! Cedar Rapids is only a couple hours beyond Des Moines."

"You know someone in Cedar Rapids?" They stare in amazement, surprised that I know anyone anywhere.

"Sure. Donnie." Blank looks. "From Combatsim." Still blank. "The online forum I've told you about no less than five hundred times."

"Ooooooh," they chorus.

"Maybe we can visit with him and his wife."

"Ooooooh," they groan.

"I'm going to stay Aunt Donna that week," insists Veronica. I decide that will be a good thing.

That evening I email Donnie with the happy news.

No response.

Next day, I try again.

Nothing.

Finally, after the third try I get an answer. "Lottie's laying in a new supply of ammo. Better stay away."

Hah! I know better than that. Lottie and I have an agreement. She keeps Donnie on the straight and narrow at home and I make sure he behaves in fiction. You'll note that he gets beat up a lot and never gets the girl.

I sent back a simple response. "Do I have to call Lottie directly?"

An invitation arrives shortly thereafter. "We'll look for you on the 17th. Stay the night. I'll hide the beer."

Ingrate. After all I've done for him.

So Donnie and I will get together at his place in Cedar Rapids at the end of next week. Personally, I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure he was kidding about the beer. And the ammo for Lottie.

But can Cedar Rapids survive?

Jim

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Last time I heard of something this big was the Red Sox winning the World Series by the Light of an Eclipsed Moon.

Ceder Rapids? In March? In Iowa? Hell of a vacation spot, OG!

Which, besides Donnie, are you going to visit as tourists, the Ceder, or the Rapids?

Hey, he's a thought, seeing as you two have never physically met and all; Donnie will need someway of making sure it's really you. Maybe you ought to wear something distinctive.....hmmmmm, how about a red tablecloth as a cloak and a black velvet Fedora with a large Peacock feather stuck in the band. Oh, and just to be extra sure, carry a copy of World News Weekly, the one with the headline: "Space Aliens Smoke Pot and Love to Disco Dance".

Can't be too many folks dressed up like that in such a cosmopolitian place as "Ceder Rapids".

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

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An emergency meeting is called at the state capital. Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack is seated at the head of the large conferance table, a state map is displayed on a stand next to it. Many top Iowa state officials are present for the session, most still wearing their bib overauls and knee high rubber boots, the room has the undeniable oder of pig manure, must none of them notice. Except one man. The Adjutant General of the Iowa Army National Guard took his eyes off the map momentarily while he sniffed the air. His nose hairs curled, and his eyes began to water. Being the man that he was, he regained his composure and returned his attention to the map.

"Gentleman...Governor...we have a crisis on our hands. We have intercepted e-mails coming from out of state. This is not good." "What is an 'e-mail'?" the Governor asks as he continues to chew on a piece of straw. "Well sir, it is an electronic form of communication...but the important thing we have discovered is that the state is about to be attacked and or invaded...one or the other...we're not sure yet...at least that is the scuttlebutt we have picked up down at the Happy Joe's Pizza and Ice Cream Parlor™". "Ooooooh! Happy Joe's™! I love Happy Joe's™! Have you tried their Canadian Bacon and Saurkraut Pizza? It is to die for!" squeals the Governor. "Uh...yes I have sir...but back to the problem at hand." "So there is a problem with the pizza?" Governor Vilsack asks. "No...no sir...forget pizza for a minute. The problem is we are going to be invaded...from the west." replies the General. "Must be those meanies from Nebraska" Lt. Governor Sally Pederson exclaims as she walks into the room. "I knew them Cornhuskers would pull somethin' like that sooner or later" as she spits some tobacco juice into her Mountain Dew can. "No...its much worse than that...the communications have been tracked to somewhere in Colorado we think" snaps the General. "Our biggest problem is that all our state National Guard troops are over in Iraq" he adds. "All 53 of em'?" asks Senator Tom Harkin. "Yessirie Bob...all of 'em" the General replies.

"Now...now...let us not panic! whines Vilsack. Hell it will take 'em weeks to get here by combine and John Deere tractor....so we have time to mount a defense!"

To be continued...

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Hey, he's a thought, seeing as you two have never physically met and all; Donnie will need someway of making sure it's really you. Maybe you ought to wear something distinctive.....hmmmmm, how about a red tablecloth as a cloak and a black velvet Fedora with a large Peacock feather stuck in the band. Oh, and just to be extra sure, carry a copy of World News Weekly, the one with the headline: "Space Aliens Smoke Pot and Love to Disco Dance".

Can't be too many folks dressed up like that in such a cosmopolitian place as "Ceder Rapids".

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Your right Mane. They are all up in Waterloo.

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"Well...not really your Governorship" chimes in the Secretary of Agriculture. "Alot of them new JD's and such can go 50mph or better...I know...we build 'em rights here in the state, we just can't afford to buy 'em. But them rich bastards in Colorado, with all their fancy smancy tourists from Hollywood...comin' in to that Vail town to spend money and go ski'in and all, they can afford them nice pieces of machinery." "Well...what about you State Senator O'Reilly from Ottumwa? What do you think we can do to stop this attack on our beloved state" Vilsack asks, with a hint of hope in his voice. "Oh...gee whiz...I don't know...Maybe I can call Colonel Potter down in Missouri and ask him" Radar stutters. "State Representative Fred Grandy (aka Yeoman-Purser Burl 'Gopher' Smith)...you have any suggestions?" "Well I could check with Captain Stubing...or I could ask Julie McCoy..er I mean Lauren Tewes...she is a real slut...she could maybe intercept the invasion force or something like that."

To be continued?.... :ph43r:

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Iowa is a state?

With a governor?

And a government filled with officials?

News to me!!! :rofl:

Oh, and Old Guy, I know all about that blank stare. <_<

Have fun in Iowa!!!

In March!!!!

Isn't that still the dead of winter?

Don't they get something like three days of summer?

:unsure:

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A short as he is round intelligence officer walks into the room and hands the AG an envelope marked 'Top Secret'. As he makes his way back towards the door, he helps himself to a few fresh baked Kolaches sitting all alone on a old pizza pan. "Yum...Prune...my favorite" he mumbles, crumbs flying as he stuffs one into his piehole. "Hey!" the Gov. yells. "I just had them brought in fresh from Cedar Rapids this morning!" The portly officer belches in responce as he leaves the room.

"We have received more information regarding the crisis Governor" the AG states while reading the report. "We now know who the contact here in Iowa is, and where he lives...if you want to call Cedar Rapids 'living'. He goes by a code name "Donster". Our state Bureau of Investigation ran him thru our file system, since we don't have computers yet, and old Mrs. Branstad, who is in charge of all them files, came up with this info on this 'Donster' character. It's worse then we thought. Seems he was a member of Future Farmers of America (FFA) and after his boar ended up loosing the blue ribbon at the state fair back in '73...he formed a splinter cell terrorist group. It seems his intention is to make contact with a known book writer from Colorado."

"A BOOK WRITER!" the Governor gasps. 'Hey...wait a minute...whats wrong with being a book writer?" "You'd better sit down Governor" the General suggests. Vilsack sits down slowly, as if it would be his last time ever to do it while life was still good. "He doesn't write books about other Americans and trash them or dig up bad things about them....he writes...are you ready for this? POETRY and SCI-FI!" "OH MY GOD! THAT BASTARD! WHY THAT IS JUST PLAIN...UNAMERICAN!" the Governor screams pounding his fist on the table. The Lt. Governor tries to sooth him by rubbing his back, telling him she will make it all better later after everyone leaves, like last time.

To be continued? Lord I hope not... :ph43r:

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Donnie,

Your hilarious story reminds me of the original Bloom County series. Question, tho...are you Opus? :rofl:

OG,

Take some pictures of the cedars for us. Oh, and take some of the rapids too :thumbsup:;)

:)

Bloom County was funny. :lol:

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"We have more on the writer person" the AG continues. "Seems he is a war veteran, he is married...and has made millions Beet farming and selling bootleg booze made from the beets to the Indian Casinos." "What do we do General?" asks Vilsack. "Fact #1...Our military is not available. Fact #2...It's to near planting time...so the State Highway Patrol will be to busy on their farms. Fact #3...All the able bodied men will be to busy watching the state basketball tournament on tv to help. Fact #4...the women will all be cooking and bringing cold beer to the men as they watch the games." "Well, I know of only one man who might be able to help us in this great time of need" spouts the Governor. "Sugar...I mean Sally...get me the hotline at once!" The Lt. Governor pushes a small hidden button on the underside of the desk. A secret panel on the table opens, and a bright red phone rises from it's hiding place. She removes the clear plexiglass dome covering the phone and sets it aside. Picking up the receiver, she pushes a button in the center of the phones face. The phone beeps and flashes red simultaneously. Then she hands the receive to the Governor. "Hello? Bill? Tom...I need your help. Very urgent. I need you to go to Ft. Collins Colorado today....seduce a woman...that's why I'm calling you...you can do it?...No? Why not?....Can't do that anymore?....Electric dog collar?....Connected to what?....If you get a woody what?....Ouch...yeah I see what you mean...have to wear it until 2008? Ok Bill...I understand...What about Al?...no...your right...dumb idea....wasn't thinking straight....send me a box of cigars?...ah...no I'll have to pass on that...Oh...for the Lt. Governor?...What's that electrical sizzling sound I hear.....Bill?....Bill?"

TBC?

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The Governor hangs up the phone in disgust. "Well I don't know what to do now. I did my best." "Tom...that was the dumbest idea you've had since you spent $5 million trying to market bacon and porkchops to the muslim countries" snapped the Agriculture Secretary. "I'll do it!" pleads the Lt. Governor as she runs her tongue over her upper lips seductively. "There is no way in hell that the wife of a combat veteran is going to want anything to do with another woman" the General replies. "God knows I've tried to get my wife to..." "Ok big soldier boy...what do we do now? Surrender? Vilsack whines. "Might be our best choice of action Governor" the AG responds, rubbing his chin. "Has anyone considered the possiblity that this person and his wife don't want to come to Iowa? I mean...most people don't...unless they are forced to...not even for money" Radar points out. "DAMN! Never even thought of that one!" the Governor eagerly responds.

TBC?

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