Joke Thread for Wednesday 3\29\06

[Whizkid]

Really Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Rats," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly,"how did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[Whizkid]

Subject: Tide with Bleach

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a real pain in the ass. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out of my blouse, the rug and the floor! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, I want to write to the Hefty bag people.

Jane Smith

[Donster]

[Canuck]

[Stans]

[Cyclone]

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

3. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

4. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

6. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

7. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?

8. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when

she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!

9. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks; they are always locking three of them.

10. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

11. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

12. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

13. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

[Red]

9. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks; they are always locking three of them.