Stans Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 Oil Change instructions for women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00 ================================================== ====== Oil Change instructions for men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration,open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call loving wife, make bail 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total - - $4,165.00 But you know the job was done right! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shepherd Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 GTG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 The Adventures of Canuck! Join us now for another chapter in Canuck's never ending quest for truth, justice and a little bit of puddy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Helmet Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?" The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted April 19, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 @ Donnie's joke! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 Embarassing moments!!!! I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked > loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned > around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a > word... he knew better. > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- > > I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was > unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several > minutes, I was pproached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at > the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him > and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- > > My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety > of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind > the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking > at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, > and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never > let me forget. > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- > > While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release > some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her > after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told > her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. > To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as > threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I > saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening > after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were > doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank > with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed > behind me, were screams of laughter. > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- > > Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My > three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on > him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in > between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying > my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my > seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had > not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he > said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I > don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you > didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have > had an accident because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one > more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, > yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, > IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos > laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made > me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- > > This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very > embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think > before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? > We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have > snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's > that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to > leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donster Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 LMAO! @ the female news anchor! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whizkid Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 How can you not laugh at all of them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunny Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 I laughed at some, chuckled at most and wished I hadn't read DHs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cartoon Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 Hahaha! I cannot say that there isn't some truth in that oil changing story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spectre_USA Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 Actually, there is a whole bunch of realism in that oil changing dealio! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stans Posted April 19, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyclone Posted April 20, 2006 Report Share Posted April 20, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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