Joke Thread (19 MAY 06)

[Donster]

One day, the blonde came to work talking about her new car, purchased for her by her husband. My friend asked her what type of car it was, to which she replied "It's a Pontiac Goole" (pronounced GOO-ley).

My friend was unfamiliar with this particular car and accompanied the blonde to the parking lot to take a closer look.

It was, in fact, a Pontiac 6000-LE.

[Dark Helmet]

Why did Frankie Avalon refuse to walk a tightrope in his last beach movie?

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(Don't you dare ask who Frankie Avalon is or I will kick your ass!)

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He was afraid to work without Annette.

[Cyclone]

@D('u)H

American scientists invent a time machine, and after it gets tested and approved, George Bush uses it to go to the year 2500, to see what will happen to America by then.

He arrives in a futuristic-looking Washington DC, with flying cars and strange people all over the place. Slightly confused, he walks into an old-fashioned bar and asks the bartender for a whiskey. Seeing how friendly the bartender is, he reveals his identity to him and asks him about American history over the past 500 years.

"Well", says the bartender, "The worst time was in the late 21st century, when World War 3 broke out. But we won, and ever since then America rules the world."

"What about terrorism?" asks Bush

"Terror...what? Must be something very old, I never heard of it!"

"And what happened to Israel and Palestine?"

"That war ended long ago. They all live in peace now, thanks to America."

"Did you explore space?"

"You bet! We have American colonies on Mars and the Moon, and we Americans were the first to step on every major rocky planet in the Solar System!"

"Wow, this future is better than I could have ever dreamed! Thanks for telling me about it! How much for the drink?"

"Oh, we don't use money any more, comrade."

[Stans]

even at DH's attempt at humor!

Oh, and by the way,

[Cyclone]

The Complete Military History of France:

- Gallic Wars

- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War

- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars

- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion

- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War

- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution

- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War

- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War

- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession

- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution

- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution

- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars

- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War

- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I

- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II

- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina

- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion

- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism

- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

[Stans]

[Donster]

[Cyclone]

For some reason, I'm feeling foolishly funny last half hour, so I'm digging out as many jokes as I can find from RD. Unfortunately I'm too lazy to type more'n one. Here it is.This is hilarious! Enjoy.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Cyclone]

And this one's for the birthday lad:

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that´you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his

finger in the butt of the corpse withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But

eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is "Observation".

"I stuck in my middle finger in, and sucked on my index finger."

"Now learn to pay attention."

No id why.

[Cyclone]

Okay, okay, last one before I go to sleep:

(This one's friggin' awesome!!!)

I just heard a great one today;

In New Zealand a skyscaper is being built...

Two workers are sitting at the top of the bare skeleton when one of them suddenly says;

"Oh s**t, I need the loo"

so the other guy says

"Don't worry about it, just walk to the end of that gurder thats jutting off the edge and u can take a piss off over there. Ill sit on the other end so that you wont fall off"

"Oh great, thanks"

So he walks to the end of this gurder and takes out his dick and is about to go when suddenly the lunch bell goes and the man sitting on the gurder suddly jumps up and goes off to lunch....

A few days later three other men - one American, one Frenchman, one New Zealander- are arguing about which country would do more to get layed....

"Well it has to be the americans" said the american "We *invented* stalking"

"No, no it's the French theres noone who can wooe a woman better then the French, we always spend time and money and affection on our girls to get her in bed..." says the Frenchman

The New Zealander butts in; "Hah! you guys dont know anything about obsessivness, us New Zealanders are hardcore. Just the other day I was walking past that building site over there and i was following the amazingly fit girl i heard a noise and looked up and the was a guy plummeting down towards her with his dick in his hands screaming CU*************T!!!"

[Stans]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried

everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In

short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a

last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and

enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little

Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even

kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and

started studying. Books and papers were spread

out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother

was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room

without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as

before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother

tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little

Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table,

went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom

looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in

math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what

was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his

head, no. "Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline,

the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school

when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling

around."

[Itchie Crotchie]

You funnie rittre man!

[Donster]

Now shut up and go to bed Cyc! Damn kids!

[Cyclone]

Rofl!! @Stans!